Where's the humor on here?

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering
what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captaind asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says "Do Not Disturb"!!

 

Genie Story

A husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."


So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my
window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary.
Actually I want to thank you.

You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.

Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about
you, honey?"

You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for
you!"


So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding," he said." Thirty-five years old.....and both of you still believe in genies?


Jim :D

 

Oh my god! That is so bad!LOL. Sure hope he was a good-lookin' genie!

 

Blonde and Alligator Shoes

A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"
The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?"

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.

With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration,

"THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

:D Jim

 

CALL CENTER BLOOPERS IN THE PHILIPPINES

Telesales agent getting the customer's credit card info:
Agent: Can I have your expiration date, sir?
Customer: My what?!!

------------------------------------------------------

Agent verifying info from the customer:
Agent: Is that a P for Ping-Pong?
Customer: No, it's B.
Agent: Oh, B, like Bing-Bong...
-------------------------------------------------------
Customer trying to return a defective product:
Customer: I need to return this defective sauna belt that you delivered
yesterday.
Agent: For that concern, you can call our customer service at
Permission Interactive Permission Interactive.
Customer: Call where??!!

-----------------------------------------------

Agent giving the customer service web address:
Agent: It's P- as in Papa, I- as in India , C- as in costume, U- as in
you,
S- as in Sam, T- as in Tango, O.... Oscar...V- for Voy...

----------------------------------------------------------
Agent wrapping up the sale, trying to give the account info to customer:
Agent: I will now be giving you your account number and order
confirmation number, do you have a PEN and BALLPEN with you?

----------------------------------------------------------
Agent trying to create urgency over the available promotion:
Agent: Are you sure you don't want to take advantage of me?
Customer: Say, what?

----------------------------------------------------------
Agent trying to upsell a warranty:
Agent: Here's an example: In California, a plane rashed into a
customer's house, their dish was replaced, no questions asked!
------------------------------------------------------
Agent trying to upsell a TiVo to customer:
Agent: With a TiVo, you can do this and that, and you know, pretty much
anything under the sun. Isn't that a great offer?
Customer: What?

----------------------------------------------------------
Agent was asking the customer about the cost of his cable service:
Agent: How much are you paying with your current provider?
Customer: Well, I'm only paying $25.00 (--which is way cheaper than what
the agent was offering)
Agent: (Surprised) Shet, magkano??!!
---------------------------------------------------
Agent getting customer's address:
Agent: Can I have your address, please?
Customer: It's twenyfurfif-ysavan newyaorkgh road - heavy English accent
(2457 New York Road)
Agent: Can you repeat that ulit?

---------------------------------------------------------
Agent asking the customer to be put on hold:
Tech Agent: Sir, Can I hold you for just a minute?
Customer: Sure, baby, go ahead!

-------------------------------------------------------
Agent verifying correct spelling:
Agent: Is that a B as in boy, or a B as in Bravo?
Customer: ...uhmmm... how about B as in Boy?

----------------------------------------------------------
Technical Agent giving customer support:
Agent: Is the ethernet cord connected?
Cust: Tha Hwhut??? (with Alabama accent)
Agent: Yung yellow cord kung nakakabit ba!
----------------------------------------------------------

Agent from a local phone company entertaining a Visayan customer:
Customer: hillo! wala kasi yung bell ng pon namin??
Agent: Hindi naman po ba nabagsak yung phone?
Customer: Hende naman.
Agent: Kailan pa po ito nagsimula?
Customer: Ang alen?
Agent: Na hindi po nagri-ring yung phone?
Customer: Nagre-reng naman ah?!
Agent: Di ba sabi mo walang ring?
Customer: Hende! yong BELL ! yong lestahan nong babayaran namin!!
Agent: aahhh... yung BILL?!
-------------------------------------------------------
Technical Agent: To help you out with your concern, ma'am, let me just
pull out my tool here, ok? (referring to a computer program used in call
centers to address the customer's concerns)
Customer: Pull out your what now?
----------------------------------------------------

Agent: Sir, that is C for Cubao, Q for Quiapo.....
Customer: What is that?! I dont understand. I don't want to talk to you.
Agent: Who do you want to talk to?
Customer: I want to talk to the highest person.
Agent: My supervisor is not available as of the moment sir.
Customer: I said, I want to talk to the highest person.
Agent: Ok, you want to talk to the highest person?
Customer: Yes!
Agent: Do you want to talk to God?
Customer: what the f***! I'd rather talk to you.
----------------------------------------------------------
Irate Customer: F***k you!
Tech Support: Sir, we're not allowed to say "F***k you!" here...
----------------------------------------------------------
Agent: It's C as in CAT.
Customer: what?
Agent: C as in CAT. C-A-T as in meow meow...
----------------------------------------------------------
Agent: Thank you for calling us, this is Candy, how may I help you?
Customer: What did you say your name was... Mandy?
Agent: No, sir, it's Candy.
Customer: Sorry, i can't hear ya... didja say Mandy?
Agent: It's Candy sir... Candy... as in Storck! - a local mint candy
----------------------------------------------------------
Agent: Alright, let me verify that... Was that a "G" as in golf?
Customer (with a different accent): NO! That was a "G" as! in GEBRA! (z
as in zebra)
Agent: Oh, Gebra! like the one in the Goo?!

-----------------------------------------------------

Agent: Yeah, sir....hello sir... are you there?
Customer: Yes, sorry. I'm still there.
-------------------------------------------------
Agent: Ok, sir... do u have a PEN and a PENCIL ready?
Customer: What?!!
Agent: Oh, Im sorry, sir... i mean, do u have a PEN and a BALLPEN ready?
--------------------------------------------------

Agent: I'd like to speak with Billy Thompson please?
Contact: He's not in. Would you like to leave a message in his
voicemail?
Agent: Sure, SIGE..
-------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: We're going to perform a check disk to see if your hard
drive has errors in it. Please type in C-H-K-D-S-K.
Customer: What is that again?
Tech Support: C-H-K-D-S-K... that is... C as in Charlie... H as in
Harley... K as in Karly.. D as in Darley... S as in Sarley... and K as
in Karly... got it

 

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE),

he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.



WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws"



WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.


W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


CREATION
A man said t o his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!



WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says........ .."HEBREWS"

God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

 

Going to have to get Maria to help me on some of these.
The other post about the "call center" that is.

Jim

 

Retired Folk

WHAT RETIRED FOLK DO TO MAKE THEIR DAYS INTERESTING.

Working people frequently ask 'retired people' what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break"? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08."

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.

:D Jim

 

Wow, they really got into trouble especially the wife who had three hour non-stop sex with the so-called "genie", considering they'll get what they wished for the husband gave his OK. This is really a great lesson for everyone.
Beware a "genie" in a bottle. :D

 

Matter of Taste by Matthew Sutherland

Matter of Taste
by Matthew Sutherland

I have now been in this country for over six years, and consider myself in most respects well assimilated. However, there is one key step on the road to full assimilation, which I have yet to take, and that's to eat BALUT. The day any of you see me eating BALUT, please call immigration and ask them to issue me a Filipino passport. Because at that point, there will be no turning back. BALUT, for that still blissfully ignorant non-Pinoy out there, is a fertilized duck egg. It is commonly sold with salt in a piece of newspaper, much like English fish and chips, by street vendors usually after dark, presumably so you can't see how gross it is. It's meant to be an aphrodisiac, although I can't imagine anything more likely to dispel sexual desire than crunching on a partially formed baby duck swimming in noxious fluid. The embryo in the egg comes in varying stages of development, but basically it is not considered macho to eat one without fully discernable feathers, beak, and claws. Some say these crunchy bits are the best. Others prefer just to drink the so-called 'soup', the vile, pungent liquid that surrounds the aforementioned feathery fetus…excuse me; I have to go and throw up now. I'll be back in a minute. Food dominates the life of the Filipino. People here just love to eat. They eat at least eight times a day. These eight official meals are called, in order: breakfast, snacks, lunch, merienda, pica-pica, pulutan, dinner, and no-one-saw-me- take-that- cookie-from- the-fridge- so-it-doesn' t-count. The short gaps in between these mealtimes are spent eating Sky Flakes from the open packet that sits on every desktop. You're never far from food in the Philippines .. If you doubt this, next time you're driving home from work, try this game. See how long you can drive without seeing food and I don't mean a distant restaurant, or a picture of food. I mean a man on the sidewalk frying fish balls, or a man walking through the traffic selling nuts or candy. I bet it's less than one minute. Here are some other things I've noticed about food in the Philippines

Firstly, a meal is not a meal without rice - even breakfast. In the UK , I could go a whole year without eating rice. Second, it's impossible to drink without eating. A bottle of San Miguel just isn't the same without gambas or beef tapa. Third, no one ventures more than two paces from their house without baon and a container of something cold to drink. You might as well ask a Filipino to leave home without his pants on. And lastly, where I come from, you eat with a knife and fork. Here, you eat with a spoon and fork. You try eating rice swimming in fish sauce with a knife.

One really nice thing about Filipino food culture is that people always ask you to SHARE their food. In my office, if you catch anyone attacking their baon, they will always go, "Sir! KAIN TAYO!" ("Let's eat!"). This confused me, until I realized that they didn't actually expect me to sit down and start munching on their boneless bangus. In fact, the polite response is something like, "No thanks, I just ate."

But the principle is sound - if you have food on your plate, you are expected to share it, however hungry you are, with those who may be even hungrier. I think that's great. In fact, this is frequently even taken one step further. Many Filipinos use "Have you eaten yet?" ("KUMAIN KA NA?") as a general greeting, irrespective of time of day or location.

Some foreigners think Filipino food is fairly dull compared to other Asian cuisines. Actually lots of it is very good: Spicy dishes like Bicol Express (strange, a dish named after a train); anything cooked with coconut milk; anything KINILAW; and anything ADOBO. And it's hard to beat the sheer wanton, cholesterolic frenzy of a good old-fashioned LECHON de leche feast. Dig a pit, light a fire, add 50 pounds of animal fat on a stick, and cook until crisp. Mmm, mmm… you can actually feel your arteries constricting with each successive mouthful. I also share one key Pinoy trait —a sweet tooth. I am thus the only foreigner I know who does not complain about sweet bread, sweet burgers, sweet spaghetti, sweet banana ketchup, and so on. I am a man who likes to put jam on his pizza. Try it! It's the weird food you want to avoid. In addition to duck fetus in the half-shell, items to avoid in the Philippines include pig's blood soup (DINUGUAN); bull's testicle soup, the strangely-named "SOUP NUMBER FIVE" (I dread to think what numbers one through four are); and the ubiquitous, stinky shrimp paste, BAGOONG, and it' equally stinky sister, PATIS. Filipinos are so addicted to these latter items that they will even risk arrest or deportation trying to smuggle them into countries like Australia and the USA, which wisely ban the importation of items you can smell from more than 100 paces.Then there's the small matter of the blue ice cream. I have never been able to get my brain around eating blue food; the ubiquitous UBE leaves me cold.

And lastly on the subject of weird food, beware: that KALDERETANG KAMBING (goat) could well be KALDERETANG ASO (dog)…
The Filipino, of course, has a well-developed sense of food. Here's a typical Pinoy food joke: "I'm on a seafood diet. "What's a seafood diet?"
"When I see food, I eat it! "Filipinos also eat strange bits of animals — the feet, the head, the guts, etc., usually barbecued on a stick. These have been given witty names, like "ADIDAS" (chicken's feet); "KURBATA" (either just chicken's neck, or "neck and thigh" as in "neck-tie"); "WALKMAN" (pigs ears); "PAL" (chicken wings); "HELMET" (chicken head); "IUD" (chicken intestines), and BETAMAX" (video-cassette- like blocks of animal blood). Yum, yum. Bon appetit. "A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches" – (Proverbs 22:1)

WHEN I arrived in the Philippines from the UK six years ago, one of the first cultural differences to strike me was names. The subject has provided a continuing source of amazement and amusement ever since. The first unusual thing, from an English perspective, is that everyone here has a nickname. In the staid and boring United Kingdom, we have nicknames in kindergarten, but when we move into adulthood we tend, I am glad to say, to lose them. The second thing that struck me is that Philippine names for both girls and boys tend to be what we in the UK would regard as overbearingly cutesy for anyone over about five. Fifty-five-year- olds colleague put it. Where I come from, a boy with a nickname like Boy Blue or Honey Boy would be beaten to death at school by pre-adolescent bullies, and never make it to adulthood. So, probably, would girls with names like Babes, Lovely, Precious, Peachy or Apples. Here, however, no one bats an eyelid. Then I noticed how many people have what I have come to call "door-bell names". These are nicknames that sound like - well, doorbells. There are millions of them. Bing, Bong, Ding, and Dong are some of the more common. They can be, and frequently are, used in even more door-bell-like combinations such as Bing-Bong, Ding-Dong, Ting-Ting, and so on. Even one of our senators has a doorbell named Ping . None of these doorbell names exist where I come from, and hence sound unusually amusing to my untutored foreign ear.

Someone once told me that one of the Bings, when asked why he was called Bing, replied, "because my brother is called Bong". Faultless logic. Dong, of course, is a particularly funny one for me, as where I come from "dong" is a slang word for well; perhaps "talong" is the best Tagalog equivalent. Repeating names was another novelty to me, having never before encountered people with names like Len-Len, Let-Let, Mai-Mai, or Ning-Ning. The secretary I inherited on my arrival had an unusual one: Leck-Leck. Such names are then frequently further refined by using the "squared" symbol, as in Len2 or Mai2. This had me very confused for a while. Then there is the trend for parents to stick to a theme when naming their children. This can be as simple as making them all begins with the same letter, as in Jun, Jimmy, Janice, and Joy.

More imaginative parents shoot for more sophisticated forms of assonance or rhyme, as in Biboy, Boboy, Buboy, Baboy (pig) (notice the names get worse the more kids there are-best to be born early or you could end up being a Baboy (pig). Even better, parents can create whole families of, say, desserts (Apple Pie, Cherry Pie, Honey Pie) or flowers (Rose, Daffodil, Tulip). The main advantage of such combinations is that they look great painted across your trunk if you're a cab driver.That's another thing I'd never seen before coming to Manila — taxis with the driver's kids' names on the trunk.

Another whole eye-opening field for the foreign visitor is the phenomenon of the "composite" name. This includes names like Jejomar (for Jesus, Joseph and Mary), and the remarkable Luzviminda (for Luzon, Visayas and Mindanao , believe it or not). That's a bit like me being called something like "Engscowani" (for England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland).

Between you and me, I'm glad I'm not. And how could I forget to mention the fabulous concept of the randomly inserted letter 'h'. Quite what this device is supposed to achieve, I have not yet figured out, but I think it is designed to give a touch of class to an otherwise only averagely weird name. It results in creations like Jhun, Lhenn, Ghemma, and Jhimmy.Or how about Jhun-Jhun (Jhun2)?

How boring to come from a country like the UK full of people with names like John Smith. How wonderful to come from a country where imagination and exoticism rule the world of names. Even the towns here have weird names; my favorite is the unbelievably named town of Sexmoan (ironically close to Olongapo and Angeles).Where else in the world could that really be true? Where else in the world could the head of the Church really be called Cardinal Sin? Where else but the Philippines!