Where's the humor on here?

Don't mess with nuns.

Three nuns were attending a CUBS baseball game.
Three men were sitting directly behind.
Because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns hoping that they'd get annoyed enough to move to another area.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah. There are only 100 nuns living there."
Then the second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana. There are only 50 nuns living there."
The third guy said, "I want to go to Idaho. There are only 25 nuns living there."

One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said,

"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL .. THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE!"
:D

 

They Knew It was Wrong............



They were together in the House.

Just the two of them.

It was a cold, dark, stormy night.



The storm had come quickly

and each time the thunder boomed



he watched her jump.

She looked across the room



and admired his strong appearance...


and wished that he would take her in his arms,


comfort her


and protect her

from the storm.



Suddenly,



with a pop,


the power went out...


She screamed...

He raced to the sofa where she was cowering.

He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms.

He knew this was a forbidden union



and expected her to pull back.


He was surprised when she didn't resist



but instead clung to him.

The storm raged on...

They knew it was wrong...

Their families would never understand...



So consumed were they


in their FEAR


that they heard no opening of doors...


just the faint click of a camera......

 

WRONG EMAIL ADDRESS

This one is priceless.....................

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read :

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2007

I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

 

Three sisters

three sisters wanted to get married,but
their parents could'nt afford it so they had
all of them on the same day. they also
could'nt afford to go on a honeymoon so they
all stayed home with their new hubbies. that
night, the mother got up because she could'nt sleep.
when she went past her oldest
daughter's room, she heard screaming. then
she went to her second daughter's room and she heard laughing. then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.
the next morning when the men left,
the mother asked her oldest daughter, "why
were you screaming last night?" the
daughter replied, " mom you always told me
if something hurt i should scream."
"thats true." she looked at her second
daughter."why were you laughing so much
last night?"
the daughter replied," mom you always
said that if something tickled you should
laugh."
"that's also true." then the mother
looked at her youngest daughter."why was
it so quiet in your room last night?"

the youngest daughter replied," mom
you always told me i should never talk with
my mouth full :D

Jim

 

home assignment in Grade 1

For homework, the class were asked to draw their parents at work.
This is Jessica's drawing:



Here is the additional letter the teacher received from Jessica's mother the day after:

Dear Mrs. Pxxxxxx,

I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.
I work at City Hardware and I told my daughter how hectic it was last weeks after the strong rain and flooding.
I told her we sold out every single shovel we had and then I found one more in stock and several people were fighting over who would get it.
Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last shovel we had in the store.

From now on I will remember to check her homework before she hands it in.

Sincerely,
Erica Cxxxxxx

 

SAD NEWS ...

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flakey at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

 

A man dies and goes to hell.

There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?"

He's told,

"First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.

He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Philippine hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in.

Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"

He is told,

"First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Filipino devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"

"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work.....

someone has stolen all the nails from the bed.......

and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the cockfight derby!!!

PS:... in fact the condemned in the Philippines sentenced to the electric chair have died from Deep Vein Thrombosis while stuck in the chair waiting for the power to be restored.....

 

A ringer from a huge cattle station in outback Australia appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikies, who were threatening a young shiela. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the #$%$)@ out of the lot of ya’s!"


St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"


"Just a couple minutes ago..."

 

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.


Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence
on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.





One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.


They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside.



He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks,
with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.



A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'


The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven..'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..

'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'





Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch,
with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them,
from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like, of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or....'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'




The old man glared at his wife and said,

'You and your d*mn Bran Flakes.. We could have been here ten years ago!'

 

This was a good one!!