Where's the humor on here?

Jimmy Carr

Love him or hate him (most hate him), this controversial comic isn't up everyone's street. His jokes can be raw and shocking leaving the audience feeling a little ashamed for laughing so loud for so long. Personally I think he is just brilliant. Although he could potentially lose the hairstyle which looks borrowed from a 1940's German leader :D

Enjoy this selection:

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

African child dies? I watched those, and couldn't help thinking, "well stop clicking your fingers!"

I did a gig in the US once for the homeless. I said "It's nice to see so many bums on seats".

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it.

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?

Theres been a lot of talk about genetic engineering I was wondering, is it wrong to breed piglets specifically for the purposes of weaning paedophiles off babies, only I'm thinking of starting a company called "They'll squeal, but not to the cops".

Boxers don't have sex before a fight, do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.

I'd like to leave you ladies and gentlemen with this frightening fact: I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for one year. I'm not sure about you people, but I think we're being overcharged on groceries.

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol(TM).

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

My girlfriend sat me down the other day for a chat. I say 'chat', it was her talking at me for six hours. I didn't realise that when men say they're 'spoken for' that's actually what they mean. She said "Jimmy, our relationship is at a crossroads. Down one road is struggle and hardship, but eventually, happiness. The other, well, that's a dead end." So I replied, "That's not a crossroads, that's a T-Junction".

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

I say no to gay marriage. It'll end up leading to gay divorce, and that'll be bitchy.

 

Barack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.

He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland ' Barack said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my special President's airplane.'

The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes.' Barack said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!'

The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!' Barack was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'

The kid said, 'I will be, after my dad finds out I saved your @ss from drowning!'

 

First Aid or Last Aid?

 

Germans are NOT stupid! Sorry Rhoody!

YouTube - Germans are also NOT stupid - WITH SUBTITLES

 

A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!....................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own f *** ing blanket.'


After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.



The End

 

Husband: If my right leg is your breakfast and my left leg is your lunch, which would you prefer?

Wife: I prefer eating between meals

 

Golf Balls

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept staring at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to stare at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,



"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

 

Marriage



Marriage is a relationship in which one person is
always right, and the other is the husband.



When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my
wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, email, fishing, water changes, always something more important to me.




Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.




I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. 'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'

* * *

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will
always have a limp

 

Last week I checked into my hotel in Atlanta and was a bit lonely. I
thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books
like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for
a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the
photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful
long wavy Hair, long graceful legs..... Well, you get the picture! I
figured, what the heck, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says......... God, she sounded sexy.

Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. 'Hi, I
hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and
give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all
alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and
I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything
you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie
me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and
everything! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.'

 

U.S. Economic Stimulus

Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive an Economic Stimulus payment. This is a very exciting new program. I will explain it using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV
set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending
your stimulus check wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to
China .

* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico ,
Honduras and Guatemala .

* If you buy a car, it will go to Japan .

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to
management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1 spending it at yard sales, or
2 going to ball games, or
3 spending it on prostitutes, or
4 beer or
5 tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US .)




***

I'm going to go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that I met at a
yard sale and we're going to drink beer all day!