Where's the humor on here?

Blonde joke

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The guy next to him says, "before you tell that joke, you should know the bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6 foot tall black belt, the guy sitting next to me is a rugby player. The guy to your right is a wrestler. We're all blonde! Think about it.. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy thinks about it and says "Nah, not if I have to explain it five times."

Jim.

 

Excerpt from a CNN interview with Heart Specialist, Dr. Kent Go

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy? HELLO .... Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Cocoa beans best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4 The Italians drink a lot of red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION.....
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

Don't mess with phillipineos

In a New York sidewalk, a Filipino is enjoying a hearty breakfast: coffee, croissants, toast, butter, jam, etc. when an American, chewing gum, sits next to him and starts an unwanted conversation.

American: You Filipinos eat the whole bread?

Filipino: Of course!

American: (Blowing bubbles with his gum) We don't. In the States we only eat what's inside. The crust we collect in a container, recycle, rebake them into croissants and sell them to the Philippines.

American: Do ya eat jam with bread?

Filipino: Of course!

American: (Chuckling and crackling his gum between his teeth) We don't. In the States, we eat fruit at breakfast, put all the peels, seeds and leftovers into containers, recycle them into jam and sell it to the Philippines.

Filipino: Do you have sex in America?

American: Of course, we do!

Filipino : What do you do with the condoms?

American: We throw them, of course!

Filipino : We don't. In the Philippines, we put them into
containers, recycle them, melt them down into chewing
gums and sell it to America.:D:D

Jim.

 

Classic!:D:D:D
Nice one, Jim!

 

Irish prostitute

THE IRISH PROSTITUTE

An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year.
Upon her return, her Father cussed her.
'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad. ...I became a prostitute.. .'
'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family...'

'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club........ ........... ........ (takes a breath)..... ........ and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... .'


'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'

'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug :D

Jim.

 

The Secret of Long Life

 

To encourage the man to do excersice ?

 

can you find the humor in the picture ?

 

an honest signboard...

BTW, the "One Way" entrance was last sunday right in front of Dumas most expensive Elementary School with no other safety barrier...

 

What is inside that hole, are those pebbles or giant roaches or something?