Where's the humor on here?

Well that's really taking the P### :D

 

The Audit

During an IRS audit, the auditor looked at the tax payer and exclaimed...

... "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

:D

 

keep them coming, Proggy

I always wonder if jokes like these are invented/created by a group of 'joke professionals' or if they just pop up in someones mind ?
Pity I can't remember them anymore the next week :D

 

Prog, that is hiliarious
:D:D:D

 

Why dogs bite people


:D

 

Funny and Weird Public Signs

No Birds


Fart Hinder


In a word, Welcome!


Ookk I wwon'tt


Pleese heed advisery :D

 

A LESSON TO REMEMBER

I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.

One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations.
So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she can't overcome. So before I get married and commit my life to her daughter, she wants to make love to me just once.

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house.

Her husband and my girlfriend was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.


Lesson learned: Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male

buffalo with the other hand.



He says to the waiter: "Want coffee."



The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."



He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down

in one gulp, Turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter

everywhere And then just walks out.



The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand,

pulling another male buffalo with the

other. He walks up to the counter and says to The waiter. "Want coffee."



The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.

What was all that about, anyway?"



The Indian smiles and proudly says .. "Training for position in United

States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, Leave mess for

others to clean up, Disappear for rest of day.

 

The Truth About College

College is a bunch of rooms where you sit for 2,000 hours or so and
try to memorize things. The 2,000 hours are spread out over four
years. You spend the rest of the time sleeping, partying, and trying to
get dates.

Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:

1. Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). 2. Things you
will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours).

The latter are the things you learn in classes whose names end in
-ology, -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is you memorize
these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget
them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay
in college for the rest of your life.

After you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to
choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and
forget the most things about. Here is a very important piece of
advice: Be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts
and Right Answers. This means you must not major in mathematics,
physics, biology, chemistry, or geology because these subjects
involve actual facts.

If, for example, you major in mathematics, you're going to wander
into class one day and the professor will say: "Define the cosine
integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate
your result to five significant vertices." If you don't come up with
exactly the answer the professor has in mind, you fail.

The same is true of chemistry: If you write in your exam book that
carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk
you. He wants you to come up with the same answer he and all the
other chemists have agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about
this.

So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy, psychology, and
sociology - subjects in which nobody really understands what anybody else
is talking about, and which involve virtually no actual facts.

I attended classes in all these subjects, so I'll give you a quick
overview of each:

ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read
little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get good
grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a book that
anybody with any common sense would say. For example, suppose you are
studying Moby Dick. Anybody with any common sense would say Moby Dick is
a big white whale, since the characters in the book refer to it as a big
white whale roughly 11,000 times. So in your paper, you say Moby Dick is
actually the Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of
reading papers and never liked Moby Dick anyway, will think you are
enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic
interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.

PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding
there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should
major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.

PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams.
Psychologists are obsessed with rats and dreams. I once spent an
entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain
sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat
learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor. If you like rats or
dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you should major in
psychology.

SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and
away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of
sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never
once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because sociologists
want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of their time
translating simple, obvious observations into scientific-sounding code.
If you plan to major in sociology, you'll have to learn to do the same
thing. For example, suppose you have observed that children cry when they
fall down. You should write: "Methodological observation of the
sociometrical behavior tendencies of prematurated isolates indicates that
a causal relationship exists between groundward tropism and lachrimatory
behavior forms." If you can keep this up for 50 or 60 pages, you will get
a large government grant.

 

Those wise old proverbial sayings from a kids perspective

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

Better to be safe than__ - punch a 5th grader
Strike while the__ - bug is close
It's always darkest before__ - Daylight Savings Time
Never underestimate the power of__ - termites
You can lead a horse to water but__ - how?
Don't bite the hand that__ - looks dirty
No news is__ - impossible
A miss is as good as a__ - Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new__ - math
If you lie down with dogs, you'll__ - stink in the morning
Love all, trust__ - me
The pen is mightier than the__ - pigs
An idle mind is__ - the best way to relax
Where there's smoke there's__ - pollution
Happy the bride who__ - gets all the presents
A penny saved is__ - not much
Two's company, three's__ - the Musketeers
Don't put off until tomorrow what__ - you put on to go to bed
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and__ - you have to blow your nose
Children should be seen and not__ - spanked or grounded
If at first you don't succeed__ - get new batteries
You get out of something what you__ - see pictured on the box
When the blind leadeth the blind__ - get out of the way