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Where's the humor on here?

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff' started by grandpainak, Apr 16, 2007.

  1. jimeve

    jimeve DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Veteran Army

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    Whats wrong with JOHN SMITH lovely beer lol :D
     
  2. John

    John DI Junior Member

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    (Smith).....

     
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    grandpainak

    grandpainak DI Forum Patron Showcase Reviewer

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    caymimi,
    Best one in this tred. Best because I could relate to it. Some in laws; Qu-Qu or Qu2, Elgyboy, Baby Lyn and my wife "Ebie"

    Jim
     
  4. jimeve

    jimeve DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Veteran Army

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    Nightmare

    NIGHTMARE #1
    After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. 'There might be some matches in the top drawer,' she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
    Naturally, the guy began to worry.
    'Is this your husband?' he enquired nervously.
    'No, silly,' she replied, snuggling up to him.
    'Your boyfriend then?' he asked.
    'No, not at all,' she said, nibbling away at his ear.
    'Well, who is he then?' demanded the bewildered guy.
    Calmly, the girl replied, 'That's me before the surgery .'

    NIGHTMARE #2
    The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed. He thought to himself, 'what should I do?' 'Oh-I know.'
    He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure. After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed. Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs.
    He exclaimed, 'What are you doing in here?' She said, 'Shhhh!,' pointing at the bed, You'll wake your mother'

    NIGHTMARE #3
    One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, 'Honey, would you give me a b*** job?'
    Horrified, she replies, 'Are you mad? My parents will see us!'
    'Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?' He asks grinning at her.
    'No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?'
    'Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!'
    'No way. It's just too risky!'
    'Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?'
    'No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!'
    'Oh yes you can. Please?'
    'No, no. I just can't'
    'I'm begging you...'
    Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says, 'Dad says to go ahead and give him a b *** job, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!'
    Jim :D
     
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    grandpainak

    grandpainak DI Forum Patron Showcase Reviewer

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    Another Blonde

    Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar at 9:58 PM. He sat down
    next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

    The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a
    man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

    The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

    Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

    The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

    Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

    Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge
    did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

    The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying,
    "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

    Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM
    news and so I knew he would jump."

    The blond replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

    Bob took the money......


    Jim
     
  6. atlargex

    atlargex DI Forum Adept

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    A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman... almost."

    The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"

    The man says, "Well, we got undressed down to our undies and rubbed together, but then -- I stopped."

    The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.

    You're not to go near that woman again. Now say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

    The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and starts to leave.

    The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over and says, "I saw that! You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

    The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it, and you said it was the same as putting it in!"
     
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    grandpainak

    grandpainak DI Forum Patron Showcase Reviewer

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    grandpainak

    grandpainak DI Forum Patron Showcase Reviewer

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    Subject: SOAP and LOTION

    Two priests are off to the showers late one night.
    They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
    He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand , and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
    The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap. Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells...
    "Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!"
    :D
    Jim
     
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    grandpainak

    grandpainak DI Forum Patron Showcase Reviewer

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    Another One

    The Monsignor at the local Diosese had been informed that 1 of his priests had broken the vow of celebacy so he called all 10 priests into his office. All 10 priest denied being unfathful to the church. The Monsignor said he was going to test their resolve and asked them all to disrobe. The Monsignor then tied a bell to the manhood of each priest. The Monsignor then brought in a fully naked Christina Agualera. She walks up to the first priest, nothing happens. The second, third, fourth and fifth priests and still nothing happens. Then Christina walks up to the sixth, seventh, eighth and nineth priests and still nothing happens. When she walked up to the tenth priest he got a huge erection and the bell went flying across the room. The Monsignor walks up to him and says "So it's you that's been unfaithful, get over there and pickup that bell" When he bent over to pickup the bell the other nine bells flew up in the air.
    :D
    Jim
     
  10. caymimi

    caymimi DI Member

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    Never Lie To A Woman

    A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.

    We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I'v been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" " Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

    The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

    The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

    The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

    He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"

    The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box....."
     
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