Where's the humor on here?

Glitter and Sparkles

A woman was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, she received a call from the doctor's office to tell her that she had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 a.m.

She had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so she didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, she likes to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time she wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.

So, she rushed upstairs, threw off her pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave herself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure she was at least presentable. She threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to her appointment.

She was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when she was called in. Knowing the procedure, she hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that she was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. She was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" She smiled but didn't respond.

After the appointment, she heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school when her six year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"

She told her daughter to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

:D

 

Another Priest Joke

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive! Electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father - - Next!"

 

Prog, you may take a hibernate now ?
I don't know how you can do that in the warm dessert there, but you have pumped up your quantity of jokes terrificly, guy !
The old lady with the 2 plastic bags was the winner for me :D:D
Next time a bit more decent
Most be tooooo hot for you there.
Oh wait, ROI is the Republic Of Ireland isn't it ?

 

Indeed it is, JF. Ok, I'll post one more. This one is called "Yaiks !" :D

A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee."

Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."

She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.

He shouts in horror, "My God Mary ... have you changed your sex?"

"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a sh*t instead."

 

Now it's enough ........go to hibernate for a while :D

 

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney:What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady:It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fools!' And that's when I shot him, the little b@st@rd!

 

he he gooooooddddd.

 

Just a joke ladies.

We all know that girls are a product of time and money. Hence,

Equation 1; Girls = Time x Money

We are also repeatedly told that 'Time is Money'. Hence, substituting 'time' for 'money' in the above equation produces,

Equation 2; Girls = Money x Money

Now bear in mind that 'money is the root of all evil', or

Equation 3; Money = square root (Evil).

Square both sides, and you have

Equation 4; Money x Money = Evil.

Seeing as though we have already deduced in equation 2 that 'Girls = Money x Money',

Girls = Evil

 

Drunken Psychic

The Drunken Psychic



A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:



a half-gallon of 2% milk

a carton of eggs

a quart of orange juice

a head of romaine lettuce

a 2 lb. can of coffee

a 1 lb. package of bacon



As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.



While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."



The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.



Curiousity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?"
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The drunk replied, "Cuz you're ugly."

And I though it was because she had no BEER at check out!!!

 

BRILLIANT WAYS GIRLS TURN GUYS DOWN!!

HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours!!

HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share!!!

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!

HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!

HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, thats why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.