Where's the humor on here?

How to pee with morning wood

This only concerns us guys but girls can read it too :D

 

Ireland v. France

A must read. Way too funny.
:D

 

some good links on that forum :D

 

The ones on the LHS? :D I adblocked them because they were very distracting :D

 

The Vanilla pudding Robbery

This is just too funny not to share.. Excerpted from an article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least we'll have a bit to eat.'

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered little bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:

'IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING'....​

 

Wannahaves......

 

Breaking news from Ikea

The Swedish based company has announced to have taken over the American GM company.

One of the executives has leaked the following secret information. In order to get a large marketshare they will market the cars in their general outlets according to their usual succesfull concept.

 

Phone number OMG!!!!!!!!!!

**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**






**'Hello?'**














**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**












**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Dave.'**












**After a brief pause,**












**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Dave.'**












**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now..'**












Brief Pause.











**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**











**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**










**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**










**'I did it, Daddy.'**










**'And what happened, honey?' **








'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**












**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**












**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Dave?'**








**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**







**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**








**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**





*****Long Pause*****






*****Longer Pause*****






*****Even Longer Pause*****





**Then Daddy says,**



**'Swimming pool? .............**





**Is this 486-5731?'*



**No, I think you have the wrong number..........*

 

A Pastor was on a hunting trip, for three days he never saw a bear. He decided to camp by the lake and take a swim, leaving his rifle and gear by the tent. Suddenly he spots a bear running towards him. He prays Oh Lord make that bear a Christian, the bear stops dead in it's tracks...............Then the bear raises it's arms in the air and shouts Lord thank you for the food I am about to receive !

As told by Joel Osteen......who said Christians don't have a sense of humour..hehehe
morale is be careful what you ask for.

 

Harley versus God

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and
went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man
and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out
with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who
invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '




Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't
you the inventor of woman?'?

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention !




1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension?



2. It chatters constantly at high speeds




3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much.



4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.


5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited
for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to
Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention
than yours'.