Where's the humor on here?

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair just before his operation.

A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry. I'm sure it will be all right.'"

"So, she was just trying to comfort you. What's so frightening about that?"


"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor."

 

Just cute !!!!!

Got from, Pilipinas Got Talent you tube post.


YouTube - PILIPINAS GOT TALENT AUDITION IN CEBU WITH KRIS AQUINO PART 2 of 2

 

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,
but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that
was too exhausting.

5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice
to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it... couldn't cut the mustard.

7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found
I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't
have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered
I couldn't live on my net income.

11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same olde grind.

15. SO, I TRIED Retirement AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

 

One word or two... ?

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex? ', he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered:

Is that one word, or two?

 

Hehehehe my kind humour

 

Balance in the world

God was missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day..

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,


"Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it.. I'm going to call it Earth and it's
going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael,



"I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth.


"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth,
while southern Europe is going to be poor.



Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a
continent of black people.



Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries..


"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be
very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to
a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That’s the State of Texas , the most glorious place on earth.


There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes,
forests, hills, and plains. The people from the State of Texas
are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous,
and they are going to travel the world.

They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers
of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked,


"But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.."

God smiled, "There’s Washington DC .


Wait till you see the idiots I put there.

 

Jim, and what was God's balance for your new place Valencia ?
Wasilla, Alaska ? :D
See you soon.

 

That is right

From frozen hell to hot paradise. How's that for balance? I spent 35 years in Alaska and I'm hopping I can spend just as many years in the RP. And that is NO JOKE.

 

This one is a joke

A Guy walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.
He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood
inside. Then the croc will close his
mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth
and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this
spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers,
and placed his credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the
crocodile really,really hard on the top of its head.
The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals
unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were
delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay
anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back
of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up....


'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the
beer bottle!'

 

God Loves Drunk People, Too

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
God loves drunk people too."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.
*
*

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.