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Where's the humor on here?

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff' started by grandpainak, Apr 16, 2007.

  1. Panday Pera

    Panday Pera DI Forum Adept

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    The hilarious saga of a man who named his dog “Sex.”

    “Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him ‘Rover’ or ‘Boy.’ I call mine, ‘Sex.’

    Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.

    When I went to the City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex, He said, “I’d like to have one too.” Then I said, “You don’t understand, I’ve had Sex since I was nine years old.” He said, “You must have been quite a kid!”

    When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, “But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex.” He said, he didn’t want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in the church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

    When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said, “Every room in the place is for sex.” I said, “You don’t understand. Sex keeps me awake at night,” The clerk said, “Me too.”

    One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. “But you don’t understand,” I said, “I had hoped to have Sex on T.V.” He called me a show-off.

    When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight the custody of the dog. I said, “Your honor, I had Sex before I was married.” The judge said, “Me too.” Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, “Me too.”

    Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, “What are you doing in the alley at 4 o’clock in the morning?” I said, “I’m looking for sex.”

    My case comes up Friday.

    Well now I’ve been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, “What seems to be the trouble?” I replied, “Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me forever. I couldn’t live any longer so lonely,” and the doctor said, “Look mister, you should understand that sex isn’t a man’s best friend, so get yourself a dog.”
     
  2. Knowdafish

    Knowdafish DI Forum Luminary

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    The Mayonnaise Jar

    When things in your life seem almost too much to handle,
    When 24 hours in a day is not enough;
    remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 glasses of Root Beer.

    A professor stood before his philosophy class
    and had some items in front of him.
    When the class began, wordlessly,
    he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar
    and start to fill it with golf balls.
    He then asked the students if the jar was full.
    They agreed that it was.

    The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured
    it into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
    The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.
    He then asked the students again
    if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
    The professor next picked up a box of sand
    and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else
    He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded
    With an unanimous 'yes.'

    The professor then produced two glasses of root beer from under the table
    and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively
    filling the empty space between the sand.
    The students laughed..

    'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
    'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

    The golf balls are the important things - God, family,
    children, health, friends, and favorite passions
    Things that if everything else was lost
    and only they remained, your life would still be full.

    The pebbles are the things that matter like your job, house, and car.

    The sand is everything else --
    The small stuff.

    'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued,
    'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
    The same goes for life.

    If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,
    You will never have room for the things that are
    important to you.

    So...
    Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
    Play with your children.
    Take time to get medical checkups.
    Take your partner out to dinner.
    There will always be time
    to clean the house and fix the dripping tap.

    'Take care of the golf balls first --
    The things that really matter.
    Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

    One of the students raised her hand
    and inquired what the Root Beer represented.

    The professor smiled.
    'I'm glad you asked'.

    It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,
    there's always room for a couple of sodas with a friend.'
     
  3. jellyfish

    jellyfish DI Forum Patron

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    Thks Knowdafish,
    I hope to remember this wise lesson all my life.
     
  4. Panday Pera

    Panday Pera DI Forum Adept

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    Benefits of OLD AGE!

    1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

    2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

    3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

    4. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

    5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

    6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

    7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

    8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

    9. You can live without sex but not without your glasses.

    10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

    11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

    12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

    13. You sing along with elevator music.

    14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

    15 .. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off

    16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

    17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

    18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

    19. After a whole night of drinking you looked as wasted or no different than when you started..so drink up and be merry for tomorrow a new stack of cold beer is waiting.

    And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience..
     
  5. OP
    OP
    grandpainak

    grandpainak DI Senior Member Showcase Reviewer Veteran Army

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    Nother Blonde Joke

    Approximately 80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chief's Stadium at a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.

    The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

    A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

    The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

    After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"

    Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then all of the 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

    The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance ." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?".

    After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

    The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh

    -- everyone is disheartened, the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 blondes begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

    The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?".

    The blonde closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

    Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 blondes jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...


    " GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
     
  6. phomsanuk

    phomsanuk DI Member

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    Wives...

    Q: Why do pagan girls make the best wives?

    A: Because they will worship the ground you walk on.
     
  7. jimeve

    jimeve DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Blood Donor Veteran Army

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    Power fo Alcohol

    The power of Alcohol:

    A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.


    After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.


    Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink!'


    The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.

    The bar goes wild... The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.


    By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

    The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.

    The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,


    *


    *


    (Wait for it)


    *


    *

    *


    (It's coming)



    *


    *


    (Ya ready?)

    *

    *

    *


    (Don't hate me)


    *


    *


    *


    (Yer gonna hate me)


    *

    *


    (Take a deep breath)



    *


    *

    *


    'He should've quit while he was a head.
    Jim :D
     
  8. Knowdafish

    Knowdafish DI Forum Luminary

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    **How many online forum group members does it take to change a lightbulb?***


    1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

    14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

    7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

    27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

    53 to flame the spell checkers.

    41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

    6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

    2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

    15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

    156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".

    109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

    203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped.

    111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group.

    306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

    27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

    14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.

    3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

    33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

    12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

    19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three".

    4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

    44 to ask what is a "FAQ".

    4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

    143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

    1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.... ***
     
  9. jimeve

    jimeve DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Blood Donor Veteran Army

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    Or just one you.... knowdafish:rolleyes:
     
  10. Rhoody

    Rhoody DI Forum Luminary

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    How To Shower Like a Woman

    Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

    Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

    If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

    Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

    Get in the shower.

    Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

    Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

    Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
    Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

    Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

    Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

    Shave armpits and legs.

    Turn off shower.

    Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

    Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.

    Get out of shower.

    Dry with towel the size of a small country.

    Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

    Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

    How To Shower Like a Man

    Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

    Walk naked to the bathroom.

    If you see partner along the way, shake Willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

    Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

    Admire the size of your Willy and scratch your bum.

    Get in the shower.

    Wash your face.

    Wash your armpits.

    Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

    Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

    Wash your hair.

    Make a Shampoo Mohican

    Wee.

    Rinse off and get out of shower.

    Partially dry off.

    Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

    Admire Willy size in mirror again.

    Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

    If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

    Throw wet towel on bed.

    I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!!!!!!
     
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