Where's the humor on here?

Sounds like Mr. Husband was the only "FISH" cought.

Jim

 

Maze for Blondes

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v637/tacon1/4da76df8.jpg

 

More US Bashing.....with humor

Only in America...


1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicapped parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8.Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'blood-sucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

 

A priest and a young nun were lost in a terrible snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted and chilled to the bone, they prepared to go to sleep.

There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed.

Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."

Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said, "Father, I'm cold."

Grumbling under his breath, the priest unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got a blanket and put it over her.

Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep...

Just then, the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold."

He unzipped the bag, got up, put another blanket on her and got back into the sleeping bag once again.

Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold."

This time, he just remained there and said, "Sister, I have a great idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's just pretend we're married."

The nun smiled and said, in a warm come-hither voice, "That's just fine by me."

To which the priest yelled: "Get up and get your own d*mn blanket!"

 

Cops

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car salesroom.
Taking off down the highway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the road, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him with no problem!" as he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph.
Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a nice weekend, Sir," said the policeman.

 

Mrs. Ward

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers. "Hello."
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking"
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's blood work to the lab yesterday, a blood sample from another Mr. Ward arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive for gonorhea. We can't tell which your husband is."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" asked Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

 

Top 10 Reasons Why There Couldn't Be a Filipino-American US President

My wife just forwarded this to me....gotta share it:D

Top 10 Reasons Why There Couldn't Be a Filipino-American US President
By David Letterman

10. The White House is not big enough for in-laws and extended relatives.

9. There are not enough parking spaces at the White House for 2 Honda
Civics, 2 Toyota Land Cruisers, 3 Toyota Corollas, a Mercedes Benz, a BMW
(Big Mean Wife), and an MPV (My Pinoy Van).

8. Dignitaries generally are intimidated by eating with their fingers at
State dinners.

7. There are too many dining rooms in the White House - where will they
put the picture of the Last Supper?

6. The White House walls are not big enough to hold a pair of giant wooden
spoon and fork.

5. Secret Service staff won't respond to "psst... psst".

4. Secret Service staff will not be comfortable driving the presidential
car with a Holy Rosary hanging on the rear view mirror or the statue of the
Santo Nino on the dashboard.

3. No budget allocation to purchase a karaoke machine for every room in
the White House.

2. State dinners do not allow "Take Home".

AND THE NUMBER 1 REASON WHY THERE COULDN'T BE A FILIPINO-AMERICAN US PRESIDENT IS...

1. Air Force One does not allow overweight Balikbayan boxes!

 

2. State dinners do not allow "Take Home".
TAKE HOME? I though it was "Bring House"!

Jim

 

I had a really bad day last week. I inadvertently rear ended a van. When we pulled over and got out, imagine my surprise when I discovered that the other driver was a dwarf.


As he approached with a sour look on his face, he looked up at me and said, "I am not happy!"

I couldn't help myself. I asked him, "Well then, which one are you?"

That's when the fight started...

 

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued,"So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "There was a loud bang and the bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.