Where's the humor on here?

YouTube - Djpaulkomtv "Play wit it"!!!

 

I haven't had time yet to read all 120 pages of jokes, so I hope this one wasn't there already.

This old lady's husband has died. Despite their advanced years they had enjoyed a fairly active sex life and she missed it.

As it happened, on the high street, just around the corner from her house, was a sex shop and she'd seen a sign in the window "Dildoes for sale".

She wasn't quite sure what a doldo was so she Googled it and thought "that might fill a hole (pun intended) in my life. So, she went to the shop and asked the guy at the counter what kind of dildoes were on sale.

The guy said "just look there on the wall, all models are displayed; all colours, shapes, plastic, metal, vibrating, etc."

So the old lady looks for a while and then says "I think I'd like the red one on the left", to which the guy on the counter replies "sorry lady, the fire extinguisher is not for sale".

 

The Little Firefighter

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.

---

 

God said

God said, 'Adam, I Want you to do Something for Me.'
Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You Want me to do?'
God said, 'Go down Into that valley.'
Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'
God explained it to Him. Then God said, 'Cross the river.'
Adam said, 'What's a River?'
God explained that To him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill....'
Adam said, 'What is a Hill?'
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, 'On The other side of the Hill you will find a Cave.'
Adam said, 'What's a Cave?'
After God explained, He said, 'In the cave You will find a woman.'
Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'
So God explained That to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I Want you to Reproduce.'
Adam said, 'How do I do that?'
God first said (under His breath), 'Geez.....'
And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down Into the valley,
Across the river, and Over the hill, into the Cave, and finds the Woman.
Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.
God, His patience Wearing thin, said Angrily, 'What is it Now?'
And Adam said....
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(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS!!!!!!)
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'What's a headache?'

 

I had a dream last night, true honest, about two fortune tellers
They were sitting on relaxers outside their caravan
When I tried to pass by, one said "you can't pass this way. the other said let him go"
They asked me to check out another fortune tellers place further down the road.
I came back only to find a sign hanging on their door saying
CLOSED DUE TO UNFORESEEN CIRCUMSTANCES

 

a man noticed his cat had not pooed for 4 days so off to the vet were he was given a large tablet and was told to give the cat half today and the rest in 2days time. the man stopped at the pub on the way home. next day could not remember what the vet had said so down went the whole tablet. next day he told the vet what he had done, IS THE CAT STILL ALIVE? yep was the mans reply , he is a smart cat he has 2 cats digging holes , 2 filling in holes and 2 looking for new ground .

 

An email I received recently.........

Dear Friend,

Good morning !

I am a Chinese supplier of many famous goods, We wholesale and retail the following products: shoes, T-shirt, shirt, belt, caps, jackets, purse, bags, lighters, watches, mobile phone, perfume, cigarettes, straight hair, and scarf, shawl, handkerchiefs, sweaters, jeans and shorts , sunglass ,football ,NBA shirt ,swimming sport ,suit briefcase. We can provide many different goods of different brands such as POLO, Lyle&Scott , NIKE, CHANEL, PUMA, GUCCI, UGG, A&F, AE, ALIFE,AD, BURBERRY, LV, Koream, HOLLISTER, LACOSTE, BOSS, JUICY, ANKH ROYALTY , TOMMY, ARMANI, VERSACE, D&G, PRADA, RUEHL, ADDIDAS, HOGAN, DSQUARED, ASICS , BAPE, TIMEBERLAND , PAUL SMITH, DIOR, FENDI, TOUS , COACH, VERSACE , BILLANBONG, KOOBA, LOEWE, HERMESI, CHLOE, ZIPPO, CK, NY, VOD DUTCH, LEVI’S ,ICE etc.

All of our goods are high quality and nice outlook. If you are interested in our goods, pls feel free to contact us.

My website is http://www.***********

http://picasaweb.google.it/*********

http://picasaweb.google.it/******

http://picasaweb.google.it/********

My msn address is m$#^&****@hotmail.com

We can give you the best price and service! Please don't worry the custom, if the custom blocked your parcels, our company will resend the products to you, until you received your order!



Best regards

Your loyal friend M_______

Of course ALL the items are legitimate and legal. ROFL!!! LMAO!!!!

 

A man escapes from prison where he has been for many years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair,while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her,kisses her neck,then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While hes in there,the husband tells his wife "Listen, this guy is a escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasnt seen a woman in years.I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, dont resist, dont complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responded "He wasnt kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!

 

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.



Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....

+Tourist: $5.00

+Broiled Missionary: $10.00

+Fried Explorer: $15.00

+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a high price for the Politicians?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of sh**, it takes all morning!" :D

 

Stuttering

A guy walks into his doctor's office and says, "D,d,d,doc, I've b,b,been s,s,st,tt,tuttering f,for y,years and I,I,I'm tired of it. C,c,c,can y,y,you he,he,help m,m,me???"

The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you first before I can answer you."

The doc examines him and says, "Well, I'm pretty sure that I know what the problem is."

The guy asks, "w,w,well w,w,what is it, d,doc?"

The doc says,"It's your manhood. It's about about 18 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords."

The guy asks, "W,w,what c,can w,we d,do about it?"

The doc replies, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering."

The guy says, "D,d,do it!"

The guy has the operation and about four weeks later he comes back to the doctor's office and says, "Thanks Doc. You've solved my problem and I don't stutter any more but I've only had sex once in the past month. My wife doesn't enjoy it any more. I cannot satisfy her. She liked my long manhood. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back!"

The doc replies,


"N,n,n,nope. A d,d,d,deal's a d,d,d,deal!"