Where's the humor on here?

How to handle a husband

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches
in Montego Bay, Jamaica .
Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
People would say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple'
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their
long and happy marriage.
The Husband replied: 'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in
America ,' explained the man.
'We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona , and took
a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse.
We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled
and she almost fell off.
My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.'
We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my
wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time
my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the
poor animal like that, are you *%&#@$ crazy!?'
She looked at ME, and quietly said, 'That's once.'
And from that moment..... we have lived happily every after.'

 

A guard on the door was told to be very nice to all that visited the shop. a rude fat lady with 2 children began to abuse the sales staff , the guard walked up and said good morning mam what lovely twins you have, lady looked at him n said why do you think they are twins?( guard) i did not think anyone would want to screw you twice

 

An Old Man's Woes

A sad old man was sitting on a park bench when along came a police officer. The officer asked the old man why he was so upset.

The old man replied, "Every morning I wake up with a wonderful 20 year old blonde. She cooks great meals including sausage, and bacon and everything I love. Then we make passionate love in bed. Afterwards, she gives me a bath, with handdrawn hot water, cooks me lunch and followed by more passionate love. In the evening, we'll have top the day off with a fantastic diner and yet more wonderful love.

The police officer gets a puzzled look on his face and asks, "Well, what seems to be the problem?"

The old man replied with a sad look on his face, "I can't remember where I live!"

 

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress?
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress.. "Most people would ask for a Million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say........"

 

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

Never mind, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received $214.0.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

A recent study found that the average Brit walks about 1400 miles a year.
Another study found that Brits drink, on average, 26 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means that, on average, Brits get about 54 miles to the gallon!

 

********************
"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

 

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?' The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and
hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.

Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration. ....



CRAP!
THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!

 

paddy was walking through a graveyard n seen mick sitting on a grave crying Y DID YOU HAVE TO DIE, Y DID YOU GO AND DIE. paddy said hr hr mick you have lost a good friend, you lost,( mick) no not a good friend,( paddy) who,s buried here then?( mick) my wife,s first husband

 

Pub Grub

Here's an old one on the same subject:

Man went into a bar and said "give me an alligator sandwich and make it snappy".

Also, still on the subject of bars:

Guy went into a pub and sat up at the bar. He's having a quiet beer when he hears "you are so handsome and what a nice suit, all the girls will be falling for you, no problem". Strangely enough he traces the voice to the bowl of peanuts in front of him. He's thinking WTF? Anyway, he needs a smoke, so he goes over to a cigarette machine in the corner. It seems it's not working since no lights are illuminated, but even before he can try to put his money in it, he hears a voice coming from the machine "don't you put that filthy money in me you f-----g cretin, why don't you go screw yourself". Taken aback the guy goes back and slumps onto his seat at the bar. After recovering somewhat, he asks the barman "hey man, what is it with the bowl of peanuts and cigarette machine?" To which the barman says "sorry sir, I should have explained to you -

the peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is definitely out of order".

 

Repost, but along the same line.......

YouTube - Jeff Dunham - Achmed the Dead Terrorist