Where's the humor on here?

hehehehe ....

 

a 80 year old man takes his 20 year old wife into the hosptil for the birth of their first, the nurse came out caring a lovely pink bundle of joy, she asked the old man (how do u do it?) he smiled n said you must keep the motor running. this happened for 3 years in a row on the 4 year she asked again how do u do it? same answer, you must keep the motor running, the nurse replied YOUR DUE FOR AN OIL CHANGE OLD MAN THIS ONES BLACK

 

took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue.

My Dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my Dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: “What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid …………

“Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."

 

UPS, Total and fcuk in joint sponsorship deal with England football team


The Football Association today proudly unveiled Total, fcuk and UPS as the new sponsors of the England football team. ‘The combination of these three corporate giants perfectly captures the ethos of the England side,’ said an FA spokesman. ‘After all, they had nothing in the tank when it counted, and they’ve proved themselves to be a bunch of expensive posers who always fail to deliver.’
The announcement followed the news that Nationwide building society would be ending its sponsorship of the national side after the FA rejected its pre-World Cup offer of a new £20m deal. ‘Not so f-----g cocky now, are you?’ said Nationwide in a prepared statement yesterday, before respectfully suggesting that the FA ‘shoved its sponsorship deal right up its a---’. Pundits noted that if the FA followed Nationwide’s advice, it would be the second time in a fortnight that England had been laid wide open at the back.
The new shirts come in a range of bright ‘easy to spot’ colours after claims from England players that the old kit was painted in ‘magic invisible ink’ which made it impossible to pick out an easy and obvious pass to a team mate. The new shirts are also made of a super lightweight material, unlike the old tops which were apparently made of extra-heavy chain mail which left the Premiership stars lumbering around looking exhausted and unfit.
However, one criticism has been made of the design of the new England kit with claims that the neck hole was inexplicably too small for the heads of the Premiership stars. Players say this will it make it very hard to pull the shirt off during an over-exuberant goal celebration, but a spokesman for the manufacturers said ’we don’t envisage this being a problem.’

 

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in
awhile, a ₤10 note fell out onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are ₤10
notes falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see
if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer….."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the policeman. "Where did you get all that money?
You didn't steal it, did you?"*
*"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to
the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee
through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to
really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.”
Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I
stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I surprise him, Grab
hold of it and say, 'O.K., son. Give me ₤10, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by
the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

 

After Nigeria was eliminated from the World Cup, the Nigerian goalkeeper personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that travelled to South Africa.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

 

A Few Laughs for the Ladies

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his T-Shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What
setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?
He yelled back, ' Liverpool".
And they say blondes are dumb..
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple are lying in bed. The man says
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you.. '
-----------------------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of
the shower, 'what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn
like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience
for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to
death.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy..
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals'

 

What all fashion minded space travelling Filipinos are wearing! :D



Once again China shows why they are well on their way to becoming our rightful overlords. While the US struggles with plugging a simple hole in the ocean, China has already invented a reusable poncho for space travel – ideal for repeat space travelling on a budget. It comes in one size and two languages.

 

Attention all Kiwis!

Auckland, NZ job posting. :D