Where's the humor on here?

Yellow toad joke

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow.

Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads... He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

Anyway... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads," begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?"


"Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes:
"Abracapokus! You're brown!"


The toad looks down and sees that he is brown ! Except..... for his weenie, which is still yellow.


"Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!"


"Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way.


There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes okay it's a coincidence, but it's true).


"Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses cos they don't want to be seen with me on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off."


Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here." she says. And with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"


The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple.


"Hold up sweetheart!", he says to the fairy godmother, "My goolies are still purple!"


"Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."


"Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?"


"Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off...........


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you know what's coming don't you ?


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she flew off, saying.......

"Just follow the yellow-dick toad!!”

Jim

 

:D:D:D:D:D

The oldies ARE the Best Jim!

Jack P.

 

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!' He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about, 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.'

Just then they came upon another cave.


The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'


With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.





The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read................





You'll like this







NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

 

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other,
outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are
you in here for?"

The 2nd kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little
nervous."

The 1st kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I
was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of
Jelly and ice-cream. It's a breeze."

The 2nd kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The 1st kid says, "A circumcision."

And the 2nd kid says, "Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was
born... Couldn't walk for a year"

 

Coincidence

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman
and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just
ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is
a special day for me. I am celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman

''What a coincidence!' said the farmer.

As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and
today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years
all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilised
eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence'.

Jim :D

 

:D:D:D Nice one, Jimeve! :D:D:D

 

1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time.


























2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.





3. And discover #1 is a lie.



4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.



5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.



6. There is still a stupid smile on your face.



I apologize about this, but I'm an idiot, and I needed company

 

It takes a real man to admit it.

ROTFLMAO

 

getting older...

well, I guess sooner or later it get's me too ...

 

FBI Interview

Job at the FBI

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews
and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
the men to a large metal door and handed
him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your
instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
in a chair .. . . Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
never shoot my wife.'



The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room.. All was
quiet for a bout 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,
but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't
have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'



Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to
beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them...

Jim.