Where's the humor on here?

My Sister is called AVRIL!

:D This has to be the best this year!:D

Jack P.

 

Beggars' Classic from London

Parvinder and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London.
Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects £2 to £3 every day.
Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house...and has a lot of money to spend..
Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'
Parvinder says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.
Parvinder says 'No wonder you only get £2- £3
Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?
Parvinder shows Habib his sign...


It reads:
'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan '

 

The Hypnotist

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, ''What happened?"
His wife replies, Mar gie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat "I do not Have a Headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.."
It Worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back.."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife..."

His funeral service will be held on Friday.

 

CRASH CAUGHT ON FILM

Brace yourself before looking at the image below.

A pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft; and, narrowly missed a crowd gathered for the air show before slamming into four nearby buildings.

One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings. It could be real messy!

​

 

Gloria Arroyo, George Bush and Hu Jintao all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Hu Jintao asks to call China and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Hu writes him a check.

Next George Bush calls the USA and talks for 30 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is 6 million dollars, so he writes him a check.

Finally Gloria Arroyo gets her turn and talks for 4 hours. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is $5.00.

When Bush hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why GMA got to call the Philippines so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: “Since Gloria took over, the country has gone to hell, so it’s a local call.”

 

ha ha ha!

:D KDF, This takes the biscuit.


Jack P.:D

 

Two old guys talking.

One said to the other: "My 85th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV".


Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"


First guy: "Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

 

Old Couple

An old couple got married and on their way out of town from the Church he said I need to make a stop at the drug store. What for she asked?

well, he hesitated but sheepishly said, I need condoms.

What for dear, she said, I am well past the change of life and therefore can't get pregnant.

I know he said, but, ya see I got rhumatism and it tends to hurt once it gets wet.

 

This was probably posted before, but for those too lazy (as I am) to trawl through 126 pages of jokes, here it is again, because I like it.



BEST AUSSIE PICK UP LINE EVER:



An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman..


He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
''What's so special about it?'
The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies
'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says,
' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'

 

Another politically incorrect joke.




The
Blue Pigeon.




The
mayor of London was very worried about a plague of pigeons in
the City Centre




He
could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of London
was full of pigeon poop, the people of London could not walk on
the pavements, or drive on the roads.




It
was costing a fortune to keep the streets and pavements
clean.






One
day a man came to the Town Hall and offered the Mayor a
proposition.




'I
can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to
the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any
questions.




Or,
you can pay me one million pounds to ask one
question.'



The
mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free
proposition.




The
next day the man climbed to the top of the Nelson's Column, opened his coat, and
released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and
flew up into the bright blue London
sky.






All
the pigeons in London saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in
the air behind the bird. The London pigeons followed
the blue pigeon as she flew eastwards out of the
city.




The
next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man on top of
Nelson's Column



The
Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had
performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid London of the
plague of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged
nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million pounds and
told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though
they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he
decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE
question.




The
man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE
question.



The
mayor asked:




'Do
you have a blue Paki ??