Where's the humor on here?

Don't know if this one is in the back files..
A young filipina (virgin of course) is going to get married so the night before she asks her mama about how to have sex. So with motherly love she tells the girl that if you want to have a boy baby, your husband should be on top and if you want a girl baby you should be on top. The day after the wedding the girl goes to mama's house. When mama asks her are you going to have a boy or a girl, she starts crying. Mama asks what's wrong. The girl says mama I think I'm going to have a puppy...

 

A young marine who had been at sea for too long, managed to get a long over-due one days shore leave, so he went to a night club. Once inside he looked around and saw an enormous fat sweating 300lb girl. He approached her and asked her if she had a pen. She became excited and started to sweat even more and said "yes, I have a pen".
"Well" said the marine, "you'd better get back in it before the farmer realises you're f'kin missing".

 

Yea, but if it was 2am and she was the last girl left in the bar.....

 

Old habits die hard Pat. At 2 a.m. she would have been 10 beers beautiful :D
Never been to bed with an ugly woman, but I've woken up with some horrors!!!

 

"Booze" is, GOD's gift to Ugly/fat woman!

 

even more than God's gift

CATHOLIC COFFEE MORNING IN ROME
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St.Peters Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room,
everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room
people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room
everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence,
The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,

SLIM
TALL
38 D BREAST
24" WAIST and
36" HIPS

When she walks into a room, people say,
"Oh My God!"

 

Why I'm divorced.........

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..

I went downstairs for breakfast
Hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
And possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
She barely said good morning,
Let alone
' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you,
But the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
And didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
And somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
My secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
And by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
That at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
When Jane knocked on my door
And said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
And it is your Birthday,
What do you say we go out to lunch,
Just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
Where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
With a private table.
We had two martinis each
And I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner..'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,

' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
For just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
After a couple of minutes,
She came out
Carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
By my wife,
My kids,
And dozens of my friends
And co-workers,
All singing 'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there....

On the couch....

Naked.

 

From The London Times: A Well-Planned Retirement

A perfect example of government mismanagement.

Outside England 's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years,it's parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were for cars (£1.40),for buses (about £7).
Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent.

The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility.

The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee.

The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Italy ... is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about £560 per day -- for 25 years.

Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over 7 million pounds ... and no one even knows his name.

 

The worst day of my life

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand
to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.
I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking
lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my
wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the
gardener and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all,
I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve;
then you, you jack-@ss, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me,
how's your day going?"

 

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf
When she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return
To the clubhouse for help and To complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and
Asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'

'I was stung by a bee', she said.

'Where', he asked.

'Between the first and second hole', she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said,
'Then your stance is too wide.'