Where's the humor on here?

MY PRIVATE PART DIED



An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Freda asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Freda,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part
hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Freda. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,
'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Freda I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace.
'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Freda, 'you did tell me that,
but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

(You've gotta love this .)





'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

 

Following not so funny but probably a good refresher course, not sure it applies to bike accidents but word to the wise...

10 Tips for Avoiding Dick Injury
1. Always remember that your penis and testicles are soft tissue through and through. There's no bone to stop the blade/teeth/saw/gears/fan/propeller from cutting/grinding/chopping/smashing/pulverizing your meatstick into little bits. In view of this, never cook, ski, fight, drive, saw, weld, slam doors, operate machinery, play with the cat, play with the dog or lean over anything moving in the nude.
2. Never attempt to leap over furniture whilst sporting an erection. Hard things can be broken, and I'm not talking about the furniture.
3. Always be careful with that zipper.
4. Never stick you penis through a hole in a fence unless you're very sure of your footing.
5. Never p*ss on anything proximate to a sign that reads "Danger - High Voltage."
6. Keep your dick out of that vacuum hose. Yeah I know. Dick Plus Suction = Feels Good. I'm guessing every guy has at least thought about it. Some intrepid pioneers have gone so far as to flick the on switch. I've seen the photos of the results and Bub, it ain't pretty. Among the associated injuries: Shredding of the glans and degloving. Never heard of degloving? I'll let you figure out what it means.
7. Never stick a revolver into the waistband of your pants no matter how cool it looks on TV. Every man has thought about what could happen and I'm here to tell you... it happens.
8. Never accept oral sex in a moving vehicle that may become a crashing vehicle in the throes of orgasm.
9. Never teach your dog to eat food off your dick no matter how funny everyone thinks it is. Rover may take liberties and you really don't want to be searching through the contents of a canine stomach looking for your dick.
10. Always seek medical help as quickly as possible after any dick-injury, NO MATTER HOW EMBARRASSED YOU ARE. Okay, you've done something really stupid and now your dick's all f*cked up. A moment of abashment is in no way equal to a lifetime of peeing sitting down.
The above rules cover most instances of penile trauma, though certainly not all. People are unbelievably creative in the things they do with their dicks and dumb bad luck plays its own role. Setting your penis on fire as a no-miss party gag (yes, it has been done) is fairly avoidable. Wearing a Prince Albert that acts as a conduit for a lightning discharge is less foreseeable.
Then there are those injuries that are deliberately induced. Usually these involve some degree of mental instability and there's little I can add except to say that there's a million irrational reasons to hurt your dick and a million ways of doing it. And according to the statistics, someone, somewhere, is trying them out right now.

 

PatO, I won't read your jokes anymore. It's no good for my recovery.
The private part that died was soooooo good.
The whole bunch of people around me are still wondering how I could laugh so long having so much pain of doing it (laughing, I mean). :D:D

 

Apropos for some of us... Dgte Standard haha

Old Man and the Young Wife
You see this young lad walks out of a store and sees an elderly man sitting on a bench crying. This young lad walks over to the man to check to see if he is O.k.!
Young Lad: Sir, are you Okay?

Old Man: Yes, it's my birthday today (and he is still crying)

Young Lad: Wow, it's a special day for you.

Old Man.: Yes it is. I'm 82 today (and still crying.)

Young Lad: Even better, you look great for your age.

Old Man: Thank you, and I just got married (and he is still crying.)

Young Lad: Married!! Gee, that's great! 82 and married, wow! You've got a whole new life ahead of you.

Old Man: I married a 25 year old.

Young Lad: Holly Molly!! Even better.

Old Man: We have sex every day! (he's till crying)

Young Lad: I don't even have sex everyday, you lucky person you.

Old Man: Yes, I am, and I've forgotten where I lived.

 

The Haircut


One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, "I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a "thank you" card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a police officer came in for a haircut and, when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The officer was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a "thank you" card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

A Congressman came in for a haircut and, when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I can not accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

 

If you were around in 1919 and came upon the following poster...


I mean seriously wouldn’t you just keep drinking?

 

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!' Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't even got any money to pay for these drinks !!' Murphy replied, with a smile.

'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, now here's the plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.' The barman immediately noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm absolutely drunk and me knees are killing me!' Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.

 

BATH NIGHT

A couple living in a small Minnesota town take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom as such but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to bowl," the woman said. So the young girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday night.

After her husband had gone off for his bowling tournament, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.

She was surprised to see that the young lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week, when you go off to bowl, I'll leave a little gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself, alright?"

The following Monday night, while the girl got undressed for her bath, the wife asked her, "Do you shave down there?"

"No," replied the girl, "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs on yours?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman and she showed the girl.

After the girl had gone to bed, the husband came home and the wife asked, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why in the hell did you have to show her yours?"

"Why not?" she said, "You've seen it before."

"I know," he replied, "but the bowling team hadn't!"

 

Watching Football
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" She exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" He exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" She asked. He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."

 

A 87 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the doctor said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said doctor, "Get a hot mama and be cheerful."

The doctor said, "I didn't say that!...
I said you have got a heart murmur. Be careful!"