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Where's the humor on here?

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff' started by grandpainak, Apr 16, 2007.

  1. PatO

    PatO DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Veteran Marines

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    A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year's supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone.

    The Scotsman asks for a year's supply of whisky; it's given to him and he's locked away.
    The Irishman asks for a year's supply of Guinness so he's locked up with several thousand bottles of it.
    The Englishman asks for a year's supply of cigarettes and he's given a pile of cartons and the cell door is shut on him.
    One year later, the doors are all unlocked.

    The Scotsman staggers out and shouts, 'I'm free!' and then keels over dead from alcohol poisoning.
    The Irishman is dragged out into the light, whereupon he promptly dies of liver failure.
    When the door to the Englishman's cell is opened, everybody watches eagerly to see what sort of a wreck the man has made of himself.

    To their surprise, he walks right out the door, sidles up to the first person he sees, and asks, 'I say you wouldn't happen to have a match, would you?'
     
  2. PatO

    PatO DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Veteran Marines

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    Three Englishman walk into a bar and spot a Welshman sitting alone at a table.

    One fellow said to the others, 'Let's pick a fight with that Welshman over there.'
    His partner replied, 'Wait, we don't want to be arrested. Let's make him start the fight.'
    The third Englishman said, 'Wait here chaps. I know how to do it.'

    He went over to the Welshman and said, 'St David was a flippin' sissy.'
    To this the Welshman replied, 'Ah well you don't say!' and calmly resumed drinking his beer.

    The second Englishman now tried his luck and said to the Welshman, 'St David was a stupid fool that wore a dress!'
    The Welshman again replied, 'You're very sharp, you don't say!' and calmly resumed drinking his beer.

    The last Englishman told his friends he knew how to rile the Welshman and bounced up to the table and yelled, 'St David was an Englishman!'

    The Welshman replied, calmly, 'That's what your mates were trying to tell me.'
     
  3. PatO

    PatO DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Veteran Marines

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    Three Englishman walk into a bar and spot a Welshman sitting alone at a table.

    One fellow said to the others, 'Let's pick a fight with that Welshman over there.'
    His partner replied, 'Wait, we don't want to be arrested. Let's make him start the fight.'
    The third Englishman said, 'Wait here chaps. I know how to do it.'

    He went over to the Welshman and said, 'St David was a flippin' sissy.'
    To this the Welshman replied, 'Ah well you don't say!' and calmly resumed drinking his beer.

    The second Englishman now tried his luck and said to the Welshman, 'St David was a stupid fool that wore a dress!'
    The Welshman again replied, 'You're very sharp, you don't say!' and calmly resumed drinking his beer.

    The last Englishman told his friends he knew how to rile the Welshman and bounced up to the table and yelled, 'St David was an Englishman!'

    The Welshman replied, calmly, 'That's what your mates were trying to tell me.'
     
  4. jimeve

    jimeve DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Blood Donor Veteran Army

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    Good one's Pat, especially the first one. LOL :D
     
  5. RHB

    RHB DI Senior Member

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    What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?






    Santa stopped after 3 Hos
     
  6. OP
    OP
    grandpainak

    grandpainak DI Senior Member Showcase Reviewer Veteran Army

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    Blonde at the football game

    A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

    'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'

    Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

    'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'


    I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
     
  7. PatO

    PatO DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Veteran Marines

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    An Irishman, a Mexican and a Redneck were doing construction work on the 20th floor of a building.
    They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get this one more time for lunch, I`m going to jump off this building".
    The Mexican opened His lunch box and exclaimed: "Burritos again! If I Get this again for lunch I going to jump off too.!"
    The Redneck opened His lunch and said: "Bologna again! Man, if I get this again for lunch I`m jumping with you guys!."
    The next day the Irishman opens His lunch, sure enough, corned beef and cabbage and jumps off the building.
    The Mexican opens His lunch, sees His burrito lunch and jumps too.
    The Redneck opens His lunch, sees the bologna sandwich and joins His co-workers in death.
    At the funerals the Irishman`s wife is weeping. She says, "If I had known how much he hated corned beef and cabbage I would have never fixed it for him again!"
    The Mexican`s wife is heartbroken, crying and says, "I could have just as easily fixed tacos or enchiladas. I didn`t realize he hated burritos so much."
    Everyone turned to the Redneck`s wife. "Hey don`t look at me", she says,"He fixes His own lunch!
     
  8. PatO

    PatO DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Veteran Marines

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    The Wedding Test
    I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
    My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

    One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

    Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

    She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

    I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

    With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

    And the moral of this story is:

    Always keep your condoms in your car.
     
  9. jimeve

    jimeve DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Blood Donor Veteran Army

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    Love the old ones, always the best.
     
  10. patty

    patty DI Forum Adept Showcase Reviewer

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    The turkey asked what is for dinner tonight? I said if I tell you I will have to kill you.
     
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