Where's the humor on here?

Gotta love the Irish

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her
Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book
without the slightest success.
Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the
name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have
wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes
water. So, who wants to go first ?"
The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.
"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?"
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".
That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.
How about you, Paddy ?
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out " London ".
Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about
living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for
breath and Paddy said
.
.
.
"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

 

Speeding Ticket

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver’s door.

“Is there a problem Officer?”

The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?”

The driver responds, “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one”.

“You don’t have one?”

The man responds, “I lost it four times for drink driving”.

The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”

The policeman says, “Why not?”

“I stole this car”.

The officer says, “Stole it?”

The man says, “Yes, and I killed the owner”.

At this point the officer is getting irate. “You what!?”

“She’s in the trunk if you want to see”.

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.”

The senior officer says “Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!”

The man steps out of his vehicle. “Is there a problem sir?”

“One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.”

“Murdered the owner?”

The officer responds, “Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?”

The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.”

The officer says, “Is this your car sir?”

The man says “Yes,” and hands over the registration papers”.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. “One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license”.

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. “Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner”.

The man replies, “I bet you the lying b@st@rd told you I was speeding, too!” :D

 

Got an email from a mate in Northern England,apparently it's snowed for 3 days non stop.
He tells me all his wife does is look through the window for hours on end.
He reckons if the weather doesn't improve he's going to have to let her come in.

 

and like camping or living and loving PI. there are no rules, and if there are rules they are not followed. give to a family in your province not to a person on the street, share your wealth with a person who is handicapped and your heart will be warmed more than the gift you give. Be aware of your blessings and pay it forward, pass it on how little it may be but much for the needy. If you are healthy and happy you are very blessed and open your heart to share.

 

Those jokes were so funny, I need to remember when I hit a checkpoint, I kiled the driver, he is in the trunk, drank too much tanduay and I take him home now

 

in PI there are no rules and if there are they are not followed. and to follow mafia and government yes mafia rules because government has no rules watch the godfather dvd's so inspiring ang knowledge of what is reality

 

The White House official residence was full of cockroaches and rats, and there was no one who could remove them. Desperate, President Barack Obama announced that he would give whatever it takes to the person who can clean out the bugs and rodents.

Two days later a guy comes and asks to be shown the premises. After a while he tells the President's secretary to look for the smallest cockroach to be found. It is brought to him, he grabs it, speaks into its ear and places it on the floor. The cockroach heads for the door and all the cockroaches in the White House follow.

"Very good, congratulations", exclaimed Barack, "do the same with the rats and I'll give you what you ask."

The good man does the same with the smallest rat and all the others disappear. Enchanted, Barack Obama kisses, hugs him and tells him to ask for whatever he wants, and he will personally see to it.

The guy looks at him and says: "Bring the smallest Democrat you have."

:D:D:D

 

Comments made on students' report cards

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

 

jimeve so funny need to find one more shitt
how about myshitt?

 

Comments were taken off police car videos :

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."
__________________