Where's the humor on here?

Or "How do you like this Banana, ladies?"

 

Newly Wed Couple

A dour Dales farmer married a glamorous good-looking lady.

After the wedding he laid down the following rules.

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great big dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go dealing, fishing, drinking and stay at the Auction Mart as long as I wish with my mates and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night ......................... whether you're here or not."

 

What really happened to the dinosaurs....

 

The sinking dollar.

Hi people of gentle city. Sad to see the dollar is going down in flames.
But luckily The great new prez. has a new set of top economic advisers on call.

 

WATER FOR THE KING
The King of a primitive but strategically-important third world nation visits the U.S. for the first time. As the King was being wined and dined by US officials in a four-star restaurant, his thirst was huge but he was distrustful of the water he was being served by the over-gratuitous staff. He quietly instructed his servant to go and fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, the King motioned his servant to fetch more water, and he would scamper off and return with yet another glass.

On the fifth trip, though, the servant returned empty-handed. “You wretched man, why have you returned without what I ask?” demanded the King. “I beg your forgiveness, O Illustrious One, stammered the servant. “When I returned to the well, the white man was sitting upon it!”

 

Overstaying

Ok, well you really know you're stayed to long in the Philippines, when the footprints on top of your toilet bowl is your own---:D

 

Sure chat up lines-

I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

 

After 50 years of exemplary and total harmony in marriage, he dies and goes to heaven.
Shortly afterwards also she dies and goes to heaven.
In heaven she finds the husband and runs to where he is and tells him:
My love! How good to find you!
And he responds:
No, no, no, no...! The deal was: till death do us part!

 

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A HO WHEN...
- You've slept with Geraldo Rivera.
- You become a Vaseline spokesperson.
- You go through a Sealy Mattress (tm) a week.
- Frederick actually comes to your door himself just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.
- When people say, "Ho, Ho, Ho" and it's July.
- Your baby looks familiar, but like who?
- When they change your # to 976.
- Tetracycline is your best friend.
- McDonald's calls you "The Happy Meal."
- Changing your sheets comes more than once a day.
- When you've got a "Take a Number" machine at your door.
- When getting dressed is not part of your day.
- Your day starts and ends by rolling over.
- When your screams are heard over a fire alarm.
- When you're wearing more latex than spandex.
- When your ceiling mirrors fog.
- When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.
- When you have a neon sign saying, "Open All Night."
- You want to have your name changed to Misty.
- Madonna comes to you for pointers.
- When your favorite quote is, "Next please."
- When Guinness Book starts calling.
- When every song reminds you of someone, but who?
- When he doesn't even have to buy you a drink.
- When you have a room key to every hotel in town.
- When Holiday Inn is coming after you for their linen.
- Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.
- The only place you haven't had sex is on the moon.
- When soft foods have become distasteful.
- When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.
- When other women begin to call you, "Man's Best Friend."
- You and Prince have already made 3 records.