Where's the humor on here?

Not nearly as clever as OMW, but a shorter version to assure a fight:
Tell a guy who to vote for
Tell a guy how to raise his kids
Tell a guy how to f__K his wife

 

Pizza Restaurant

Hi, Just want to tell about my Pizza rest. It's difficult to run. Seems like nobody eats pizza anymore?

 

A woman exec was out of town on business and made a call to her husband to see how things were going at home.
He told her "Your cat died".
After much crying and yelling, she said, "Why didn't you ease me into my cat's death?"
"You know how much I loved him!"
The man asked "What should I have said?"
She answered, "Maybe something like, The cat is on the roof".
"The next night, you could say the cat fell off the roof, but seems okay"
The next night, you could say the cat seems a bit ill".
"The next night, you could possible tell me the cat died".
The man agreed that tact was the best way and the conversation continued......until she asked how her mother was doing.
"Your mother is on the roof"!

 

Gentleman robber

Well, I dont like criminals to much. But this gentle charming robber makes an exeption--



YouTube - Raw Video: Man Politely Robs Wash. Store

 

How about criminals who literally catch themselves?

YouTube - Dumb Criminals

 

he he he !

BRUCE! I will laugh at this for a long while, I feel it!:D


Jack P.

 

Bye bye Mubarak

Hi, I notizes Pres. Mubarak, Bush's old friend has left office. Wonder why?

 

what's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman ???

Iron Man is a Superhero !!!.........

........Iron Woman!!! is a simple instruction!

______________________________________

Q: Why are bachelors thin, and married men fat?

A: Bachelors come home, check to see what's in the fridge, and go to bed.
….Married men come home, check to see what's in the bed, and go the fridge.

 

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.

His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.

"Johnny!" Mum screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something.

He stops and eventually Mum leaves for a short trip to the shopping centre.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mum has left for the store...

He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.

Mum comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge - a diarrhoea run.

She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH she makes it – just!

When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.

She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor.

The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP!

The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!"

 

Possible repost, but still funny......

Yesterday I was at my local WalMart buying a large bag of Purina Dog chow for
my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman
behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do,
on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 Pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

WalMart won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.