Where's the humor on here?

Every night, Frank would go down to the off licence, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.

The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the s**t out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor.

The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded. "Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."
Jim :D

 

Husband Wanted
There once was a lady who was tired of living
with men who were either physically abusive, who
ran away from her, or who were horrible in bed.
So she put an Ad in the paper, that was asking
for a man who:

1) would treat her nicely
2) wouldn't run away from her,
3) would be good in bed.

Three weeks passed, and there was no reply from
any man. So she just figured that there wasn't a
man alive who could live up to these expectations, so she just gave up. But then, one day she heard the doorbell rang. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs. The man said "I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."

The woman replied, "Yes, but are you good in
bed?"

And the man said with a smirk on his face, "How
do you think I rang the doorbell?"

 

Pre-Nuptial Agreements


A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign
ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in New York.
The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this
secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled,
but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign
dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.

"I'll only marry you under three conditions."

"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.

"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat
diamond, along with a 28-inch studded matching necklace for our
engagement."

Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone,
called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said,
"Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"

The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she
thought of a more difficult situation.

"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part
of the Hamptons along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest
vineyards of France."

The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New
York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick
conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"

The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final
request that would be impossible to live up to.

"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10-inch penis."

A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands.
After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador
slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!" :D

 

Progmeister, I'm still laughing on my way to the church. He must have over 10
inch! I'd better go to the confession, hahahaha! :D:D

 

this one for you swanny before confession;

Young Wife
Young Wife asking advice on how to have a baby.

Pastor: Keep trying.

Iglesia: Try another Doctor.

Born Again: Try Special Diet.

Rabbi: Try Yoga.

Bishop: Let me try!!

 

Hi Swann, it was so funny and would be a shame not to pass it on :D

 

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother'? It would make me feel much better." "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

 

love it just love it there is certainly a hidden talent within this forum.
A man goes to the Doctor and says I keep losing my memory.the Doctor asked when did this start to happen.The man replied when did what start to happen?....keep smiling

 

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it has made a big difference for me." "That's great! What was the name of that clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" Then he turned to his wife and asked, "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

 

A United States Marine

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the
courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It
got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

** The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid sh*t and act like an *sshole.

So, He sent me."