Where's the humor on here?

yes

ok thats a good one lol

 

MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS


GENERAL:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.


DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.


ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.


PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.


DATING (Outside the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.



THEATRE ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.


WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.


DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession

 

A blonde speeder was pulled over by a traffic cop who also happened to be blonde.
When asked for her license, the speeder presented her library card.
The cop said "This isn't your license, there is no picture of you on it".
The speeder dug around in her purse, found a compact, saw her reflection in it and presented it to the cop.
The cop took a long look into the mirror and said, "You can go, you didn't tell me you were a cop too".

 

Enjoying the cold-

Well. here I am. Back in old cool Norway. Far from the hot steamy Philippines. Here I can enjoy the cool crisp air, the snow, the ice. And relax at some Cafe with an 200 Peso cup of coffe. Or some pub with a 550 Peso glass of coldish beer. Ahh that's the good life. Later I will buy a 160 Peso newspaper and sit outside and feed the snowpigeons. Does I miss the Philippines? No of course not-- no I dont, no no not much. Just a little bit:(

 

FV, looks like you could use some schnapps to thaw out. Enjoyed your posts and humor, hope you keep sending. Here's one for you.

A construction site foreman was interviewing applicants when in came a Norwegian. “I’m not hiring any Norwegians,” thought the foreman, so he made up a little test he was sure the applicant couldn’t pass. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.” “Without numbers?” asked the Norwegian. “Dat’s easy!” and he drew three trees. “What’s this?” asked the foreman. “‘Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine!” “Hmm. Fair enough, I guess. Okay, here’s the second question: Without using numbers, represent the number 99.” The Norwegian thought a moment, then made a smudge on each of the trees. “‘Ere you go.” The boss scratched his head. “How on Earth is that supposed to be 99?” “Each tree is dirty, so that’s dirty tree and dirty tree and dirty tree, which makes 99!” The foreman’s got to come up with some way to stump this Norwegian, so he tried, “All right, same rules, but represent the number 100.” The Norwegian quickly grabbed his pencil, made a little mark at the base of each tree, and said, “Ere you go. A hundred!” The foreman looked dumbfounded. “How in the hell is that a hundred?” The Norwegian pointed to the marks at the base of each tree. “A little doggie just crapped by each tree, so that’s dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turf, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred. Ven do you wan’ me ta start?!”

 

Been getting a lot of reruns lately, You guys been reading all 142 pages?

 

Hope this is a fresh one.

Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman stranded on a desert island for many years. Usual scene where a Genie pops out of a bottle and gives them one wish each.
Englishman says " I want to have a girl on each arm walking over London Bridge and spend the rest of my life in Soho. I wish I was in London". Big whooosh and he was gone.
Scotsman says " I want to have a never ending supply of free beer from every pub in Edinburgh. I wish I was in Scotland". Big whooosh and he was gone too.
The Irishman looked around him and said " I'm really lonely here on my own. I wish my two pals were back here with me".:D

 

Pregnant blonde asked the doctor "what is the best position for me to give birth"?
The doc replied tactfully "the best position for you will be the same position that you were in when you conceived".
"Oooooowwwwwww" shrieked the blonde, "I'm not having this baby on the back seat of a BMW".

 

For KnF and other Jethro Tull fans:
"Last night Martin met a woman and was immediately enamoured of her and she likewise of him. They raced to the nearest available bedchamber where, after a minimum of foreplay they had completely ripped off each other's clothes. Now Martin..., Martin, you see, is possessed of a very... small... bobo.... This woman took one look at his bobo and said, 'Why, who do you expect to satisfy with THAT, sir?' Martin looked down, then back at her, and said, 'Why, meself, madam!'"
It is written that Ian told this at a concert (Ian and Martin are two of the three JT members)

 

Jim, my apologies if I submitted a dup. I think I read all the pages but the problem is I can't remember. The memory is the 2nd thing to go.