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Where's the humor on here?

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff' started by grandpainak, Apr 16, 2007.

  1. jimeve

    jimeve DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Veteran Army

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    Biker.

    Biker Humor

    A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says,"What are you doing?"
    "I'm going to commit a suicide," she says. While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you
    give me a Kiss?" So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss. After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"





    "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......:rolleyes:
     
  2. expatron

    expatron DI Forum Patron

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    Sounded good but yucck!!!!!!
     
  3. PatO

    PatO DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Veteran Marines

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    One day far in the jungle a little tiki bird was watching a female elephant bathe herself. The little bird flew down onto the elephant and whispered in her ear. “Miss Elephant, my lifelong desire is to have sex with an elephant. What do you say we get it on?”

    The elephant thought to itself what can a little tiny bird do to me! I’ll let him live out his desire. So the elephant said, “Go ahead little bird, get it on”.

    As the little bird was going to town on the elephant, a monkey up in a tree had been watching the whole affair and got excited and started to jump up and down. The monkey jumped so hard it shook a coconut loose from the tree and it fell and hit the elephant on the head. The elephant reared up and let out a loud roar.

    Just then the little bird said, “What’s wrong, honey, did I hurt you?!”
     
  4. PatO

    PatO DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Veteran Marines

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    Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time. The Italian boy’s father presents him with a brand-new pistol. On the other side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold watch.

    The next day in school, the two boys are showing each other what they got. It turns out that each boy likes the other’s present better, and so they trade.

    That night, when the Italian boy is at home, his father sees him looking at the watch. “Where did you getta thatta watch?” asks the man.

    The boy explains that he and Sammy had traded.

    The father blows his top. “Whatta you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you? Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and say, ‘How longa you gonna be?’”
     
  5. Knowdafish

    Knowdafish DI Forum Luminary

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    A couple trying to break into society hosted a dinner party. As the guests were enjoying their dinner salad, the maid called the hostess from the table.



    The maid informed her that the cat had climbed on the kitchen table and eaten a large portion of the salmon's mid- section. The hostess decided to fill the eaten portion with some canned salmon and other camouflage.



    As the guests were enjoying the fish, the maid called the hostess into the kitchen and announced while wringing her hands, "Madam, the cat is dead."



    The hostess and her husband informed the guests and suggested it might be best if everyone went to the hospital and had their stomachs pumped.



    Returning home, the couple asked the maid where she had put the cat.





    "It is still out on the road where the car ran over it."
     
  6. Knowdafish

    Knowdafish DI Forum Luminary

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    One night my friends asked me to out with them. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight. Hours passed and the drinks went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m.(a bit loaded) I headed home.

    Just as I walked in the door the cuckoo clock chimed 3 times. Afraid that my wife would wake up I quickly cuckooed 9 more times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with a quick witted solution.

    The next morning my wife asked me what time I had got in. I said: "MIDNIGHT, Like I Said!" She seemed fine with my answer, so I thought that I had gotten away with it. Then my wife promptly told me that we needed to get a new cuckoo clock, I asked why and she said: "Well, last night our cuckoo clock cuckooed 3 times, said oh crap, cuckooed 4 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed 3 more times, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
     
  7. Knowdafish

    Knowdafish DI Forum Luminary

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    A man went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of the state. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather. "Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied...."those plates are as clean as cold water can get them so go on and finish your meal."
    That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes. So he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore!"
    Later that afternoon, as he was on his way out to get the paper, the dog started to growl and would not let him pass. "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out," he complained. Without diverting his attention from the football game, his Grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, move!"
     
  8. Knowdafish

    Knowdafish DI Forum Luminary

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    Check for Alzheimer's
    The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University ... Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 50 years of age cannot do it!

    1. This is this cat.
    2. This is is cat.
    3. This is how cat.
    4. This is to cat.
    5. This is keep cat.
    6. This is an cat.
    7. This is old cat.
    8. This is fart cat.
    9. This is busy cat.
    10.. This is for cat.
    11.. This is forty cat.
    12.. This is seconds cat.

    Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down
     
  9. Knowdafish

    Knowdafish DI Forum Luminary

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    A bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down the road when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady: 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself? We can't chew them because we've no teeth,' she replied. The puzzled driver asks: 'Why do you buy them, then?' The old lady replied: ' We just love the chocolate around them.'
     
  10. Knowdafish

    Knowdafish DI Forum Luminary

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    3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.

    So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.

    Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look. "

    Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes."

    Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?"
     
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