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Where's the humor on here?

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff' started by grandpainak, Apr 16, 2007.

  1. fallenviking

    fallenviking Ring Ring. Who's calling?

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    Is smoking good for you?

    Hello again folks. I always feel real bad when I am around smokers. And I belived smoking is harmful etc. Seems like I have been mistaken all the time. Smoking is now prowen good for you::smile:

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  2. john boy

    john boy DI Forum Luminary

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    Fallenviking, next you will be telling us you believe in Santa Claus......
    Doctors really smoke Camels (how awful) and can you really taste tobacco by looking through a microscope......regards JB
  3. AndyG

    AndyG DI Member Admin ★ Forum Moderator ★ ★ Global Mod ★ Showcase Reviewer Blood Donor

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    A magician worked on a cruise ship.

    The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

    There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

    Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It’s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

    The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

    Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
    The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it...

    With the parrot.

    They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

    This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said....


    "OK, I give up. Where's the fuckin' ship?"
  4. PatO

    PatO DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Veteran Marines

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    50 Reasons Why Women Date Older Men
    Some call it the “Sugar Daddy Syndrome.” Others call it the “Father was never around” complex. A lot of people have no problem with it, while many find it sick and perverted. Regardless of your own personal views, young women dating older men is a worldwide phenomenon that is gaining popularity and acceptance at an alarming rate.
    Why do young women like older men? What attracts 20-something females to 40, 50, even 60-something males? You could spend several hundred hours with a series of shrinks in an attempt to sort through the plethora of possible answers. The only problem with that is that most psychiatrists are expensive and love the term “billable hours.” It would cost thousands of dollars to find out the truth.
    After talking with both sexes at great length, I have come to the conclusion that young women like older men because the relationship comes with benefits – lots of them. Face it -- we are a very simple race. We look at dating the same way we look at a financial balance sheet.
    What will I get out of it? Is it a good deal for me? How can I leverage this? These are just some of the questions we constantly ask ourselves when we’re in any relationship, whether we’re aware of it or not.
    Here is a list that we’re calling the Top 50 Reasons Why Young Women Should Date Older Men. If you’re a young attractive lady considering a guy twice your age, this list might give you the 50 reasons you need to persuade yourself into making a move to the geriatric side.
    1. He knows a lot of useless stuff and makes a great partner in games like Scrabble, Trivial Pursuit and Balderdash.
    2. He’s well-read. He can explain a book’s plot and storyline to you quickly and succinctly, thereby saving you the time it would take to actually read the book. It’s like having your own personal set of Cliff Notes.
    3. This gives you more free time to spend his money at malls, outlet stores, and online.
    4. He knows a lot about music. He can name the band that Paul McCartney played with prior to Wings.
    5. You can borrow his Grecian Formula to patch any bleached sun spots in your hair.
    6. The big bedroom and/or guest rooms in his house means no rent for you and eventually your friends/relatives can move in too.
    7. He has some serious pension/social security money coming to him down the line.
    8. If you sprain your ankle, you can use his cane.
    9. He qualifies for early bird senior discounts at restaurants.
    10. He’s entitled to senior bus fares.
    11. He’ll open doors and pull out chairs for you.
    12. If he gets too chatty, you can hide his teeth.
    13. Qualifies for AARP membership privileges.
    14. He’ll call to check up on you 3-5 times per day.
    15. He’ll give you flowers, candy and best of all – cold, hard cash!
    16. He’s into holding hands and other Public Displays of Affection (PDA’s) as opposed to today’s “no contact” rules associated with dating in 2007.
    17. You won’t need to pay for AAA roadside service because he’ll pick you up whenever your car breaks down.
    18. He’ll effectively replace your dad for when pops isn’t around.’ (Celebrate Father’s Day twice!)
    19. Sex with caring.
    20. No random late-night booty calls, because he goes to bed at 9 pm every night.
    21. He won’t try to change you.
    22. He can help you with your homework.
    23. He’s sexually experienced. If you like it or want to try it, he’s been there, done that! (And more than once.)
    24. He won’t pretend to listen to you just so he can get in your pants.
    25. He gets a regular paycheck.
    26. He has a future, even though it might be a limited one.
    27. You’ll never have to pay for car maintenance. A lifetime of free tune-ups, oil changes, tire rotations and windshield wiper replacements awaits you.
    28. Dating him will shock your folks. They may even throw lots of money at you to stop dating him.
    29. He’ll provide better, more intelligent and engrossing conversations. (How long can you talk about trucks, extreme sports and partying anyway?)
    30. He’s not sleeping on mommy’s couch or living with his parents.
    31. You don’t have to worry about him looking at other women. (He’s vision is probably so shot he can’t see them).
    32. He’s articulate and knows multi-syllabic words. (Improve your vocabulary).
    33. Will treat 100% of the time. (Young guys don’t have cash, credit cards, or in many cases, wallets.)
    34. He dresses better. Won’t show up in his one pair of ratty jeans all the time. Means you can get into nice restaurants/clubs.
    35. He doesn’t have any drug baggage. He may have smoked pot in the ‘60’s and ‘70’s; or did coke in the ‘80’s and ‘90’s, but chances are he’s clean now. (Otherwise he’d probably be dead.)
    36. He’ll actually dance with you at night clubs. He’ll be the hit of the party when he pulls out his “Funky Chicken.”
    37. He’ll wait at least one month before he expects it.
    38. You won’t have to worry about getting pregnant. His sperm cells are so old, they’re swimming backstroke (Warning: Always wear protection.)
    39. He’s an attentive lover and won’t forget your name or order pizza immediately after he has an orgasm.
    40. He won’t argue with you over little, meaningless things. (He’s basically numb.)
    41. He won’t ask you a bunch of personal, prying questions, like “What’s your name?”
    42. He won’t run away. At least not very far. Or very fast.
    43. You can talk politics with him, something you can’t do with younger men. (He knows that Colin Powell isn’t a medical condition.)
    44. He’ll memorize your phone number, which comes in handy if you get too drunk and forget it.
    45. He’ll turn you on to old-school chick flicks like The Graduate, Love Story and Breakfast at Tiffany’s.
    46. He has a nice car. Park your Hyundai and start driving his Infiniti, Porsche, Lexus, Mercedes or BMW.
    47. He’ll take you on incredible vacations, unlike young guys. No more Vegas, Palm Springs and Tijuana during Spring Break. Say hello to cruises to Europe and Australia, ski trips to Aspenand Telluride and African safaris.
    48. He won’t be jealous of your vibrator. He’s realistic!
    49. He won’t be text messaging you all the time. He doesn’t know how!
    50. When he dies, you can date his cute son(s)!
  5. AndyG

    AndyG DI Member Admin ★ Forum Moderator ★ ★ Global Mod ★ Showcase Reviewer Blood Donor

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    Love those kids!

    1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

    2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

    3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
    have ocean all round you, you are incontinent.(Melissa, age 7)

    4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
    Richardson She's not my friend anymore. (Kylie, age 6)

    5) - A dolphin breathes through an *sshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

    6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots
    and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

    7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
    ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to
    make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off
    eating beans. (William, age 7)

    8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and
    I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?
    Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

    9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always
    crying. My dad keeps yelling at my mom, and my big sister has just got
    pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

    10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
    give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
    they have to plug themselves in to chargers.
    (Christopher, age 7)
    11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes
    my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

    12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't
    go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

    13) - On vacation my mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
    going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired
    right up her big fat @ss. (Julie, age 7)

    14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown
    I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

    15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.
    What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
    (James, age 7)
  6. AndyG

    AndyG DI Member Admin ★ Forum Moderator ★ ★ Global Mod ★ Showcase Reviewer Blood Donor

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    My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?!
    Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

    I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
    I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection....
    but she did.

    Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
    All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

    Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
    Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.
    When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.
    His mate turns to him and says, "Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen"
    Dave replies, "Well we were married for nearly 20 years"

    Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
    "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind" says Mick

    Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
    The operator says, “how do you know?”
    He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

    I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
    I said "You're pulling my leg"

    I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
    They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

    Spent £40 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger.
    Just opened it and some b@st@rd's sent me a magnifying glass!

    I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
    At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

    My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker.
    Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

    I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
    At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

    What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
    One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction.

    An old lady is being examined by the Doctor. He asks have you ever been bedridden?
    She says, “Yes I have and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too!”

    A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says, “What do you expect?
    You’re in a wheel chair.”

    I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
    She said, “I would like to come back as a cow.” I said, “You’re obviously not listening.”

    Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.

    The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

    Hi mate. I don't want you to panic but I’m texting you from the casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.
  7. PatO

    PatO DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Veteran Marines

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    According to Sunredaussie, you can substitute Australian for Kiwis, for the following:

    What do you call an Australian with sheep under one arm, and a goat under the other? A bisexual.
    How do Australians find sheep in long grass? Quite good actually.
    The Australians are practising safe sex here. They paint the legs of the sheep that kick.
    What do you call four sheep tied to a lampost in Sydney? An Australian leisure centre
    The Australians Have invented a new use for sheep. Wool.
    Whats the fastest thing in Australia? A Virgin Sheep.
    What do you call an Australian with 500 girl friends? A Shepherd.
    Where does virgin Australian wool come from? Ugly sheep.
    What do you call an Australian with a sheep under his arm? A pimp.
    Why do Australian like sheep so much? Because kangaroos are just too d*mn fast!
  8. Knowdafish

    Knowdafish DI Forum Luminary

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    An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

    The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

    The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

    The man replies, "That would be my wife."
  9. Knowdafish

    Knowdafish DI Forum Luminary

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    Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

    She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.

    My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
    He said they love animals very much.

    I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

    The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

    She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

    Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

    I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

    Guess where I am now...
  10. richardg

    richardg DI Junior Member

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    Chicken and the Egg

    A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ... Well, I guess we finally answered "THAT question!"