Where's the humor on here?

Little Johnny Said!

Little johnny said to his teacher, Look SIR! If growing up to be stupid, was good enough for my Dad! Then it is GOOD enough for me! :D


Jack P.

 

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).
>
> We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a
> teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different
> colors - green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at her.
>
>
>
>
>
>
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> The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time. When
> the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: "What's the matter
> old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
>
> Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on
> his response; I knew he would have a good one!
>
>
>
>
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>
>
> In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid .... "Got stoned once
> and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you're my kid."

 

I'm new here so don't know if this has been told or not, and 151 pages takes a lot of going through.

Two young guys from the country were visiting Sydney and one insisted they visit a particular bar. He said they served a drink called a screwdriver, only five bucks, and when you finish, they take you out the back and you get screwed.

His friend asked if he'd been there previously.

He said, "No, but my sister has."

 

> HIS AND HER DIARY FOR THE SAME DAY:
>
> Her Diary:
> Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
> meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends
> all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit
> late, but he made no comment on it.
> Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet
> so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
> I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was
> my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had
> nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I
> told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I
> can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
> When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he
> wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and
> watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with
> silence all around us, I decided to go to
> bed.About15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he
> was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -
> I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
> My life is a disaster.
>
> His Diary:
> Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why.

 

A young lady arrived at a fancy dress party stark naked.

The MC told her that she must come dressed as something.

She put on a pair of black gloves, a pair of black shoes and announced she was the 'five of spades'

 

​

 

What does a man with a 10" dick have for breakfast?

Well this morning I had bacon and eggs!

 

This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a Woman
In a brand new Cadillac, Doing 65 mph With her
Face up next to her Rear view mirror Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away For a couple seconds !
And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane,
still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;

I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut
out of my other hand. !

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car,
using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked
my cell ! phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee
between my legs! , Splashed, and burned big Jim and the Twins,
ruined the d*mn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an
Important call.


d*mn women drivers

 

Dad I'm 15 now, can you tell me if it is normal for a kid my age to masturbate?
Dad answers-- Ya I guess as long as you don't do it too much, because if you do you will go blind.

Son says---Dad I'm over herrrre!

 

Social Security
A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers??? license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.

He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.", and she processes his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.

She says, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."