Where's the humor on here?

Marriage Counseling
After 35 years of marriage, Ole and Lena went for counseling. When asked what the problem was, Lena went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Lena to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her Ole watched with a raised eyebrow.
Lena shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to Ole and said, 'this is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week.. Can you do this?'
'Well, Ole says, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'

 

When Love Fades...

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner, my love? Chicken, Beef or Lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, @ss hole. I was talking to the cat."

 

Arriving in Heaven

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination

to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk

who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her
last day of life.



The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a

good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She

claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry

and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was

into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the

balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the

rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his

fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was

broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I

found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the

balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this

point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and

died..? The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.



The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the

roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled

over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the

balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out

on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit

some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge

chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed

and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle

as he directs the man to the next room.



He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He

apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as

the fellow in here just before you."



"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding'

in this cedar chest....."

 

Wwii

Old Dutch guy, former RAF fighter pilot recounting his experiences in the
Battle of Britain on a TV chat show many years later.

"Ya. I vas just myself flying vun day. I look op, and I see two German
fokkers is about thousand feet above, and I look down, I see another two
German fokkers is about a thousand feet below. I think this is very danger
for me..."

Thats when the interviewer intervened to clarify the typology of the German
aircraft involved; "We should explain for the viewers that the Fokker was a
German aeroplane."

And that was when he delivered the great line; "Ach yah, but dese fokkers
was Messerschmitts!

 

Testing Bullet Proof Glass in the 1940's

They would make her wear a helmet nowadays :D


[youtube]M7mr7CK7zEk[/youtube]

 

Dear Moderator,
I left home for work last week and after less than mile my car stalled and wouldn't start!
I walked home and found my husband in bed with our 19 year old nanny, they announced the affair had been going on for 18 months,and they were deeply in love, and she thinks she's pregnant.
Can you help me I am desperate.
Yours, Mrs. Jones

Mrs Jones, the most common cause for vehicles breaking down within the first mile is a dirt in the fuel lines, if this is not the cause its usualy the alternator. Hope my advice helps.
Moderator

 

A group of pensioners were discussing their medical problems at their Dgte McDo morning coffee and world briefing.

'Do you realise,' said one, 'My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup.'

'Yes, I know.' replied the second, 'My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee.'

'I can't turn my head,' rejoined the third, 'because of the arthritis in my neck.'

'My blood pressure pills make my dizzy,' commented the fourth, adding, 'I guess that's the price we pay for getting old.'

'Well, it's not all bad.' piped up the first, 'We should be thankful that we can still drive our cars.'

 

Navy and Marine Rules for Gun Fighting

USMC Rules For Gun Fighting
• Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who
have guns.
• Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is
expensive.
• Only hits count. A close miss is still a miss.
• If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough nor
using cover correctly.
• Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal
movements are preferred.)
• If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a friend
with a long gun.
• In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics.
• They will only remember who lived.
• If you are not shooting, you should be communic- ating, reloading, and
running.
• Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent
on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.
• Use a gun that works EVERY TIME.
• Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to
beat you to death with it because it is empty.
• Always cheat = always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
• Have a plan.
• Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.
• Use cover and concealment as much as possible.
• Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
• Don't drop your guard.
• Always tactically reload and threat scan 360 degrees.
• Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your
hands where I can see them).
• Decide to be AGGRESSIVE enough, QUICKLY enough.
• The faster you finish the fight, the less shot up you will get.
• Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
• Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
• Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start
with a "4".

Navy Rules for Gun Fighting (Seals obviously excluded)
• Go to Sea
• Send the Marines
• Drink Coffee

 

Hey Pat,
Now that's a wife that trusts her husband! I wonder how many chest shots would occur these days (oops, I missed)? hahahaha.
Thanks for posting the Marine/Navy rules, great stuff.
I don't seem to remember anything like that while I was in the Air Force.... : )

 

As we Silver Surfers know,sometimes we have trouble with our computers. I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ? � He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless enquired,

'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned....
'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little b@st@rd .