Where's the humor on here?

Government and mafia both are same .They both are doing same work(killing) ,but Difference is that Government make terror with love in front of us and mafia do it in opposite manor.

 

UNIVERSAL LAWS:

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee..

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Bio-Mechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
- As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Law of the Doctor - If you don't feel well, make an
appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
-------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
-----------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked.. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.
-----------------------------------
And, my favorite is:

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the preacher and calmly said, 'Well......she's there.'

 

My Posse

A young man graduated from University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went back to the country to do his research. He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded to explain to him why he was there.

The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?" The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed it and took it back home."

"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"

After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."

Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?"

The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once."

 

Sense of Freshness....

Sense of Freshness....

A while ago a new supermarket opened in Topeka , Kansas .
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.



When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is the scent of freshly mowed hay.



In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.



When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and cackling, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.



The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.







I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
:D

 

You are on a crowded bus when you suddenly realize you need to fart. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. You let go about 5 strong and loud ones back to back. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop. As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you remember.....You've been listening to your iPod the whole time.... Lol..... keep this laugh going to whoever you think needs a good laugh.

 

Toastmasters

A good Irishman, Patrick O’Reilly, met regularly with his Toastmasters Club. One evening they were pounding the Guiness Stout and having a contest to see who could make the best toast.

Patrick O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of my wife!” That won him the best toast of the night.

That night he went home and told his wife, Mary, he won the prize for the best toast. She said, “Aye, what was your toast?”

Patrick said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.
“Oh that is very nice indeed Patrick,” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of Patrick’s toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “Did you know Patrick won the prize the other night for a toast about you Mary?”

She said, “Aye, I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice. One time he fell asleep and another time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

 

I need an unstable woman for a drama filled relationship ...​

Hi there,
I'm seeking a like-minded woman to share a disastrous 3-9 month relationship with, ending in acrimony, emotional chaos, and possibly legal proceedings.

My name is Mark, I live in Dumaguete City, I'm 42 years old, fairly well educated, I make decent money and am pretty stable. I'm told I look like Steven Segall, but I'll let you be the judge of that -I'm generally caring and very honest.

I am looking for an attractive female who will at first give me obsessive love, praise and devotion but whose paranoia, self-loathing and fear of rejection and abandonment will eventually lead her to alternately push me away and pull me closer in a love/hate cycle that will lead to infidelity, consensual sexual violence, and the eventual emotional breakdown of one or other party - or if we're lucky - both!

You should:
* be 18 to 26 years old;
* have a history of short, intense, drama-driven relationships;
* enjoy degrading and dehumanizing sex;
* have undergone negative psychiatric evaluations in the past; and
* be willing to threaten self-harm and/or annihilation as a weapon to control your partner and make them stay with you and care for you.

Although not completely necessary, I would prefer women:
* with nice smiles;
* that have larger than average breasts;
* who are married or already in unstable relationships;
* that drink to forget; and
* who have had a previous established diagnosis of Borderline or Dependent Personality Disorder or Bi-Polar Affective Disorder - or who are currently taking Lithium Carbonate, SSRIs, or Tricyclic antidepressants

If you think you meet these requirements (and wow, I'm getting excited just writing them!), please don't hesitate to get back to me as soon as possible. In the meantime, thank you for reading my advert, and do take care.

All the best,
Mark
ps This advert is in recognition of the big neon sign on my forehead that everyone else can see except me.

 

Try a political chat room, there are so many professional money grubbing ones also.:D If I remember correctly, I think I saw the same requirements posted by Bill Clinton several years ago.

 

Nice gift giving idea!

Amazon.com: The Ex 5-Piece Knife Set with Unique Apple Holder Designed By Raffaele Iannello: Kitchen & Dining

 

funny that you post it, I sell that set on one of my german sites.

Here is a great one too, I just found it the other day and ordered it for 5 $.

[youtube]bSH-xb7coVo[/youtube]​

sarah_brightham: I will write your message on my chest wearing different tops for $5 on fiverr.com

... that are really unique birthday-greetings, for a price I wouldn't get a card in my old country.

... or if you don't like someone, just order "I love you Rhoody" and mail it anonymous to the Rhoody's girlfriend ... hehe

.. or just "I love DI".... gonna stop thinking now, if not I get more stupid ideas and spend more money on that... hehe