Where's the humor on here?

My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting ready to go out when finally she swung open the door and asked "tell me honestly, do I look fat in this?".
I replied "yes love, but to be fair, its a small bathroom"

 

I held the door open for a gorgeous blonde in the pub last night.

My wife said, "You've never held the door open for me."

I said, "What about the time you threatened to leave."

 

The Badge

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...On any land!No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear...do you understand?!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs...

"Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"

 

A successful gynecologist decides to fulfill his life's dream: give up medical practice and become a motorcycle mechanic.
So he gets out of the medical business and enrolls at a mechanic's seminar with Harley Davidson.
After many weeks of training comes the final examination, taking apart and then re-assembling a randomly chosen Harley engine.
He grabs his tools and sets to work, but soon he gets worried: while he is still working on the valve-covers, everybody else is already busy with removing the cylinder heads.
He falls more and more behind, and as he is just starting to put it all back together, everybody else is already finished.
He manages to put the engine back together, barely in time before the exam ends.
Because it took him so much longer than everybody else, he goes straight to the teacher to ask how he performed.
"Well," the teacher says, "out of one hundred possible points you scored 150." "But how is that possible?" the ex-gynecologist asks.
"Well, it breaks down to this: You get fifty points for correctly taking the engine apart. And you get another fifty points for putting it back together perfectly." "And what did I get those additional fifty points for?"
"For doing it all through the exhaust."

 

A young man bought the fastest motorcycle that money could buy: a Yamaondason 2000 SP 8.2. It was the most expensive bike in the world, costing $32,150.99.

The first day he bought the new bike he took it for a spin. While doing so he stopped at a red light at the city limits. An elderly gentleman pulled up next to him on a moped. The man looked over at the bright, red, shiny, sleek, new motorcycle and asked, "What kind of scooter ya got there, sonny?"

The young man replied, "It's a Yamaondason 2000 SP 8.2. It costs $32,150.99 out the door".

"That's a lot of money", said the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this bike can go 200mph!" exclaimed the young man.

The old fella asked, "Can I take a closer look at it?"

"Sure", replied the new owner.

From his moped, the old man leaned over and took a good look at the very fast-looking machine. Just then the light changed, so the young man decided to show the old guy what his new motorcycle could really do. He gave it full throttle and within 20 seconds the speedometer read 199mph.

Suddenly, he noticed a dot in his rear-view mirror. It seemed to be getting closer! He slowed a little to see what it could be, and, suddenly, WHHHOOOSSSHHH, something whipped passed him going much faster. "What could be faster than my 2000 SP 8.2?" the young man thought to himself. Then, just ahead of him, he saw the dot coming back at him. WHHHOOOSSSHHH! It went flying by him again, going in the opposite direction! It almost looked like the elderly man on the moped! "How could that be?" thought the young man. Again he saw the dot in his mirror! WHHHOOOSSSHHH! KABBBLAMMM! The moped slammed into the rear of the shiny new 2000 SP 8.2, demolishing the rear end of the young rider's pride and joy.

The young man jumped off and saw it was the old timer. Of course the moped was crushed, and the old man was lying on the ground, pretty beat up. The young man ran over to him and asked, "Are you hurt? Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man groaned and replied, "Yes, would you please unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror?"

 

I went to the gym the other day. I asked the trainer which machine I should use to impress the blonde with big boobs standing in the corner. He said "try the cash machine outside, you skinny runt".

 

Wife says to husband "would you like some cereal and then some bacon and eggs for your breakfast ?" "No thanks" he said, "that Cialis seems to have changed my appetite".
At lunchtime she said "I can make soup and a nice chicken salad if you'd like". "Not for me" he said "that Cialis has definitely altered my need for food".
Dinner time came and she said "how do you fancy a juicy rib-eye steak with all the trimmings and I can make a nice dessert for afterwards". "I don't fancy any of that" he said "that Cialis has certainly taken away any feelings of hunger".
"In that case" she said, "will you d*mn well get off of me because I'm friggin' starving".

 

Not Right Classifieds

Don't come too soon :D

 

Son says to his father, "sorry dad but I'm gay". The guy looks at his other son and says "what about you?" "Yep, sorry dad" says the second son "I am too." Distraught, he cries out "ferchrissake, doesn't anyone in this family like p*ssy?"
"I do" said his daughter. :D

 

Still get a kick to this day....hahahaha

How to blow a turkey call. - YouTube