Where's the humor on here?

HAHAHAHAHA!!!! :D:D:D Poor lady HAHAHA! Ma-ayong buntag sab prog!

 

Drunk in a Bathroom ***

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..........
"You idiot!" "You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!!

 

A man walks into a bar... Agay!!!!:D

 

A d*mn Fine Explanation

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed," but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car I notice d that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensiv e boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same" ; The husband took a quick breath and continued -- "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

 

Confession

ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you
may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?" >

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny
Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.

You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave
yourself."

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and
whispers,
"What'd you get?"

"4 months vacation and five good leads."

 

Long Lost Daughter

The Irish daughter had not been to the house
for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father
cussed her, "Where have you been all this time,
you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even
a line to let us know how you were doing? Why
didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you
know what you put your Mum through?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff...Dad... I became a
prostitute..."

"WHAT? Out of here, you shameless harlot!
Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't want to see you
again!"

"OK, Dad, - as you wish. I just came back to
give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a
ten bed-room mansion, plus a savings account
certificate for £5 million. For my little
brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy,
the spanking new Mercedes Limited Edition
convertible that's parked outside, plus a life
time membership to the Country Club...(takes a
breath)---an invitation for you all to spend
New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."

"Now what was it you said you had become?"

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff ... A Prostitute Dad,... sniff,
sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! - You scared me half to death,
girl! I thought you said a Protestant!!!
Come here and give your old man a hug."

 

Custody Fight

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at
a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested
to the judge that since she had brought the
children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children,
so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and
replied: 'Your honor, when I put a dollar into a
vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does
the coke belong to me or to the machine?'

guess who won?



husband

 

ha ha ha ha ha :D :D :D

 

UHUH! You twerp, you're just after her money!!! HAHAHAHA :D:D:D
Thanks India-One for making us laugh!

 

A little funny

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning, the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys in side and had to break a window to get my keys. "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire." "When I finally got to the store, a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people. All the time, the darn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then, I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels, and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.