Where's the humor on here?

Scientists have discovered that sperm promotes hair growth. That might explain why some men have hairy knuckles, but it's got me wondering about grandmothers moustache.!!!

 

Went to visit a pal yesterday. He told me that he always cries after sex. Maybe it's because he's in prison. :D

 

Great Aussie chat-up line

Bruce goes in to a pub, gets a beer and sits down next to a particularly attractive woman. He casually glanced at her then started staring at his watch. She looked at him for a moment and then said "is your date running late ?"
"No" he said. "I was checking this state-of-the-art watch that I just got".
Intrigued she asked "what is so special about it ?"
"Well, it uses Alpha waves to pass me information telepathically" he replied.
"Really" she said, quite impressed. "What is it telling you now ?"
"It's telling me that you are not wearing any panties" said Bruce.
"Oh" she giggled, "it can't be working properly because I am wearing panties".
"d*mn" said Bruce, "bloody watch is an hour fast".

 

The Agony of Dyslexia



After Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish!
I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!

 

Beware of older women !!

I went to a night club in London some time back and met an older woman. She was 62 but still looked stunning with a great figure. I started to think that she might have a fantastic looking daughter. We talked for a bit and then the feel-good factor from the beer kicked in and we got closer. She asked me if I had ever had a Sportmans Double.
"Not that I'm aware of" I replied, and she told me that it was mother and daughter at the same time.
"Wow" I said and she told me that tonight was my lucky night.
We left the club and went back to her place.
When we got there, she stood at the bottom of the stairs and shouted "Mum, are you still awake".

 

I went to the NZ Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions.

I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out.

She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"

"A Fottle."

"What else do you have?"

"I have also invented a folding carton."

Again she said "What do you call it?"

"A Farton."

She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

 

Wife by text to husband at work ...


"Windows at home frozen - what should I do?"

Husband - "spray some de-icer or pour hot water on them"

Wife a few minutes later - "Done that - now computer won't work at all"!

 

Bloke sitting in his armchair shouts to his wife, "when i die, i'm going to leave everything to you love"
she shouts back, " you already do, you lazy b-----d!!”

 

Irish Birth Control

Mrs. Donovan was walking down
O'Connell Street in Dublin when
She met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin'
To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan
And didn't I marry ye and yer
Hoosband two years ago?'


She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'


The Father asked, 'And be there
Any wee little ones yet?'


She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'


The Father said, 'Well now,
I'm going to Rome next week
And I'll light a fertility candle for ye
And yer hoosband.'


She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...'
They then parted ways..


Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now,
Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me ,
Have ye any wee ones yet?'


She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles,
Ten in all!'


The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
And how is yer loving hoosband doing?'


She replied, 'E's gone to Rome
To blow out yer fookin' candle.'

 

True story

An expat was in McDonalds here a few Sundays ago, pouring himself a cup of water at the counter. A slightly attractive girl was waiting to use the water pitcher, and he commented, "That's a nice looking dress you have on, did you just come from church?"

She replied rather sarcastically, "Does this look like a dress I'd wear to church?!"


That was the end of that.