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Where's the humor on here?

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff' started by grandpainak, Apr 16, 2007.

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  1. Broadside

    Broadside DI Forum Patron

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    Broadside, May 27, 2012
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  2. Knowdafish

    Knowdafish DI Forum Luminary

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    Understanding women......

    Just thought you'd like to know that the book
    "Understanding Women" is now out in paperback.
     

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    Knowdafish, May 27, 2012
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  3. Broadside

    Broadside DI Forum Patron

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    An Aussie blonde arrived at the Pearly Gates and was met by a concerned St. Peter who wanted evidence that she wasn't just another dumb blonde. "If you pass the entrance test I will let you in" he said. "I will ask you three questions which I want you to go away and think about and give me your answers tomorrow.
    Q 1. Which 2 days of the week start with the letter T.
    Q 2. How many seconds are there in a year.
    Q 3. What was the name of the swag-man in Waltzing Matilda."

    "Ok" said the blonde, went away to think, and returned the following day with her answers.

    "Right" said St Peter. "Which 2 days of the week start with the letter T"? "Today and tomorrow" the blonde replied. St. Peter was a bit taken aback, but decided that her answers could in fact be applied to the question.
    "Ok" he said "How many seconds are there in a year"? "Twelve" came the blondes reply. St Peter was aghast. "How do you get that" he asked. "Well" she said, "there's the second of January, second of February, and so on right up to December". St Peter shook his head and walked away, but decided to give her the benefit of the doubt.
    "Last chance" he said "what was the name of the swag-man in Waltzing Matilda"? "Oh that's easy" she said, "his name was Andy". This completely floored St. Peter and he asked how she had arrived at that answer.
    "Easy" she squealed "Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled".

    She entered heaven, but what is worse......................................... you are now singing it to yourself :D
     
    Broadside, May 27, 2012
    #1633
  4. OP
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    grandpainak

    grandpainak DI Forum Patron Showcase Reviewer

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    I forgot to take my glasses.

    Yesterday my wife asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.
    She suggested I go to the Legion in town and hang out with the guys. I forgot to take my glasses.
    When I got home, I told her that I not only got drunk with a lot of new friends. I had also joined the parachute club.
    She said "Are you nuts?
    You're almost 70 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes? You always said that's the LAST thing you'd need do!"
    I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
    She said, "You idiot, where are your glasses!
    This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
    Oh my aching balls, I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do!
    I signed up for five jumps a week!:smile:

    Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier.
    I feel a heart attack coming on.
     
    grandpainak, May 30, 2012
    #1634
  5. Rhoody

    Rhoody DI Forum Luminary

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    [​IMG]​
     
    Rhoody, May 31, 2012
    #1635
  6. Charlie

    Charlie DI Senior Member Restricted Account Veteran Coast Guard

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    Very smart 3 legged pig.

    A newspaper reporter heard about a farmer that had this really smart pig 3 legged pig that did incredible feats so of course he went to the farm to investigate and do a story.

    The reporters say to the farmer:

    I hear you have a really smart pig that has even saved peoples lives.

    Farmer: Yup.

    Reporter: Is it true he saved your wife from drowning ?

    Farmer: Yup, pig swam right out in that pond over yonder and drug'er back to shore.

    Reporter: Is that how the pig lost his leg ?

    Farmer: Nope.

    Reporter: I also heard he saved a neighbor child from being run over by a truck.

    Farmer: Yup, that good ole pig ran right out in that thar road and grabbed that baby by the britches just in the nick of time and the truck just missed that baby.

    Reporter: Is that how the pig lost his leg ? Truck ran over it ?

    Farmer: Nope.

    Reporter: Well then, I heard that pig even saved your life when you got caught up in the combine gears and belts.

    Farmer: Yup. that good ole pig shut off the motor, pulled me out of there, ran back to house for help.

    Reporter: Ah ha, then the pig lost his leg in the gears rescueing you ?

    Farmer: Nope

    Reporter: Well then just how did the smart pig lose his leg ?

    Farmer: Well sonny, when ya'll got a pig that smart you just don't eat 'em all at once ya know.
     
    Charlie, May 31, 2012
    #1636
  7. Rhoody

    Rhoody DI Forum Luminary

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    [​IMG]​
     
    Rhoody, Jun 1, 2012
    #1637
  8. Broadside

    Broadside DI Forum Patron

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    Something got lost in translation, or maybe it's just a statement towards the lentil eating tree huggers.


    View attachment 8476
     

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    Broadside, Jun 1, 2012
    #1638
  9. Charlie

    Charlie DI Senior Member Restricted Account Veteran Coast Guard

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    The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
    The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then
    about her new husband's occupation.
    "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought.

    He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
    She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
    After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker
    when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her
    40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her
    80's - a funeral director.
    The interviewer looked at her, quite
    astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.




    (wait for it)


    She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go." :smile:
     
    Charlie, Jun 7, 2012
    #1639
  10. PatO

    PatO DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Veteran Marines

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    A blind man going for a morning walk happened to pass a fish market. He stopped, and then said, "good morning ladies".
     
    PatO, Jun 7, 2012
    #1640
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