Where's the humor on here?

When Paddy died, he left $60,000 in his will for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guest departed, his wife Colleen turned to her oldest and dearest friend and said "Ah well. Paddy would be pleased".
"You're right" said Mary lowering her voice. "So how much did the funeral actually cost?"
"All of it", said Colleen "the whole 60,000".
"Never could have" said Mary. "I mean, it was very grand, but 60,000?"
"Well" said Colleen, "the funeral was 6500. I donated 500 to the church, and the whiskey wine and snacks were another 500.
The rest of it went on a memorial stone".
Mary computed quickly. "Jeez Colleen, $52500 for a memorial stone. How big is it?"

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This one is for all you Texan DI members, enjoy

Chili Cook Off

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there’s no hope for you.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly.

If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chile Cook Off about the time Halloween come around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Car Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL


Frank: “Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Chili Cook Off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judges table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn’t be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”


Here are the score cards from the events

……………………………………………….

Chili #1 - MIKES MANIAC MONSTER CHILI…..

Judge #1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge #2 Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild

Judge #3 (Frank) -- holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.



Chili #2 – AUSTIN’S AFTERBURNER CHILI..


Judge #1 Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2 Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge #3 Keep this out of reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


…………………………………………………….

Chili #3 – FREDS BURN DOWN THE BARN..

Judge #1 Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick.

Judge #2 A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge #3 Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting drunk from all the beer.


……………………………………………………………………………

Chili #4 – BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC

Judge #1 Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing

Judge #2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much chilli.

Judge #3 I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refill. That 300lb woman is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

……………………………………………………….

CHILI #5 –LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER….

Judge #1 Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge #2 Chili using threaded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge #3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

…………………………………………………………

CHILI #6 – VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY..

Judge #1 Thin, yet bold vegetarian chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge #2 The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.

Judge #3 My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rear-end with a snow cone.

……………………………………………………………

CHILI #7 -- SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge #1 A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge #2 - Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. ** I should take note that Im worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge #3 You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painfull. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

……………………………………………………………

CHILI #8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge #1 The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge #2 This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it, poor feller, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili.

Judge #3 No Report

-------------------------------------------------------------

 

I guess we have all wanted to write a letter like this at some time.

Keep on reading its so ....... HOW OUR GOVERNMENT WORKS

PASSPORT APPLICATION LETTER

THIS IS PRICELESS:
ACTUAL PASSPORT APPLICATION LETTER SENT BACK TO STATE DEPARTMENT

Dear Mrs. Ms. Or Sir:

I'm in the process of renewing my passport and still cannot believe this.

How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and
knows that I bought a cable TV from them in 1987 (23 years ago), and
yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on
what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? Ever heard of computers?

My birth date you have in my social security file. It's on EVERY income
tax form I've filed for the past 30 years. It's on my Medicare health
insurance card and my driver's license, it's on the last eight d*mn
passports I've had, it's on every stupid customs declaration form I've
had to fill out before being allowed off the plane for the last 30
years. And it's on all those census forms that we have to do at
election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's
name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'm reasonably
confident that neither name is likely to change between now and when I die.

Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bureaucratic bullshit!

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for
my #*&#%*& address.

What is going on? You must have a gang of bureaucratic Neanderthal
morons working there!

Look at my d*mn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? And "No," I don't
want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for sh*t sakes. I just want to go and
park my @ss on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why
would you give a d*mn whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?

If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat,
believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now because I have to go to the other end of the
city and get another #*@&#^@*@& copy of my birth certificate to the
tune of $100.

Would it be so difficult to have all the services in the same area so I
could get a new passport the same day? Nooooo, that would require
planning and organization. And it would be too logical for the @&^*^%@%
government.

You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our
heads cut off. Then, we have to find some *sshole to confirm that it's
really me in the d*mn picture - you know, the one where we're not
allowed to smile... Hey, you know why we can't smile?

We're totally pissed off!

Signed

- An Irate Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I wrote about getting someone to confirm that the
picture is me? Well, my family has been in the United States of America
since 1776. I have served in the military for something over 35 years
and have had security clearances up the ying yang. However, I have to
get someone important to verify who I am - you know, someone like my
doctor....... WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA !

And you assholes want to run our health care system?????

 

View attachment 8521


Brilliant. Great tactics Marine.

 

New Business Opportunities

A British Engineer started a business in Afghanistan .

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

His new business doing very well.
He says, prophets are going through the roof.

 

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

 

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
whispered to her mother,
'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color
of happiness,
and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said,
'So why is the groom wearing black?'

 

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

 

Q. What do filipinas and spaghetti have in common?
A. They both wiggle when you eat them :-)