Where's the humor on here?

An American and a Filipina couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly former Army Special Forces man, tossed his trousers to his new bride and said: "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your trousers," she said.
"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the one who wears the trousers in this relationship."
With that she flipped him her panties and said: "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"
She replied: "That's right... and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

 

Dublin pub
Into a Dublin pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been
run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his
face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little sh*t, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you
have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

 

I like to eat!!!! Haa Haa

 

A mother's letter to a son:

Dear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I am writing this slowly because I know that you can't read fast. You won't know the house when you come home, we've moved. About your father, he has got a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him, he cuts grass at the cemetery. Your sister Mary had a baby this morning. I haven't found out yet whether it's a boy or a girl so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father came with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him. Your uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of Irish whiskey at the Dublin brewery. Some of his work mates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took 3 days to put out the fire. It only rained twice this week, first for 3 days then for 4 days. We had a letter from the undertaker. He said that if the last payment on your grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.
Your Loving Mother.
P.S. I was going to send you 10 dollars, but I have already sealed the envelope.

 

Did you hear Willie Nelson got hit by a car? He was playing on the road again.

 

Military madness

 

A Sweet Love Story

add joke













A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, Etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face? "

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long I'll be right back. I promise.

OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...

"LISTEN UP sh*t HEAD! DRINK YOUR f*cking BEER IN YOUR DAMNED FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR
MOTHERFUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE!
GOT IT, *sshole?"

...and, they lived happily ever after

 

Not a lot of people know this, but...............

If you screamed for 8 years 7 months and 6 days you would produce enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months enough gas is produced to create the energy of a small atomic bomb.
(That's more like it)

The human heart produces enough pressure when it pumps to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.)

A pigs orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(O.M.G.x 2)

A cockroach will live for 9 days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don't try this at home; maybe at work)

The male praying mantis can't copulate while its' head is attached to its' body.The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.
(Honey, I'm home..... what the f.....)

The flea can jump 350 times its' own body length.
(Oh yeah. But 30 minutes, lucky pig, can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty at the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still can't believe that pig. Quality over quantity)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm understandable)

Right-handed people live on average 9 years longer than left-handed people.
(If you are ambidextrous you can split the difference)

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
(Ok, so that's not such a bad thing)

An ostrich eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switched they would live longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig. Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

So now you know a bit more than you did before, but you gotta love that pig !!! :D

 

... just give her what she wants ...

[video=youtube;oDFogjXdIVc]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oDFogjXdIVc[/video]​

 

HAAA HAAA.... What's her phone number? I aim to please.:D