Where's the humor on here?

Wal-mart Interview

This is just something I wanted you to think about the next time you enter WAL MART!!!!!!



A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT." It just pops into your head. There's no warning. "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And, now you sir?î he asked the second man.

"Hmmm...let me see. "A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular clichÈ for speed." He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. "Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of"

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the previous three Answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!" said the interviewer, stunned by the response? "Oh sure", said Old Bubba. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh*t my pants."

Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now.

 

A Perfectionist's Prayer

Dear God --

Help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)

Help me to relax about insignificant details, beginning tomorrow
at 7:41:23 a.m. EST.

Help me to not try to run everything -- but, if You need some
help, please feel free to ask me.

Help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them are
hypersensitive.

Help me to take responsibility for the consequences of my
actions, even though they're usually not my fault.

Help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it exactly right.

Help me to take things more seriously -- especially laughter,
parties, and dancing.

Give me patience, and I mean right now!

Help me to finish everything I sta

Help me to keep my mind on one thing -- oh, look, a bird -- at a
time.

Help me to do only what I can, and trust for the rest. And could
I get that in writing?

Keep me open to others' ideas, misguided though they may be.

Help me follow established procedures. Hey, wait -- this is wrong
...

Help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatido.

Thank you. Amen

-- Author Unknown

 

Dear Diary,

It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe
said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan
me some extra bowls.

Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without
dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a
friend home for supper

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming
the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't
say it improved the rice any.

Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said
prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before
serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a
bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this
recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me
to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and
for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had
was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the
hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came
out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am
eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If
I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise
him with a chocolate moose.

 

Hahahahaha! :D:D:D! Hehehehehe!

 

You know how to tell which pirate owns the parrot?
































Look for the peg-legger with the birdshit on his shoulder!

LOL Hahahahhahahahahhah.....ha!

 

Sperm Count

A 76 year old man went to the doctor for a sperm count.The doctor give him a jar with a lid on it and told the old man to bring back a sample.
The man returned in about three hours
with an empty jar..The doctor looked at him and said " where's the sample?" The old man looked at the doc and said"well it's like this doc. I tried it with my left hand, I tried it with my rigth hand.My wife tried it with her left hand, and tried it with her right hand .She even tried it with teeth in and her teeth out and we couldn't get the d*mn jar open."

 

Bar Jokes

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your @ss."

 

This is some really funny stuff, I'm writing down a lot of these jokes to tell at work.

 

Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said. "Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her. Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said. Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?" She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"

 

A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?" One day, she was talking to her Preacher about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together. So, the females yelled at the male parrots, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?" One male parrot said to the other, "Put the Bibles away! We've made it to heaven!"