Where's the humor on here?

Yesterday a fortune teller told me I would soon come into money.
Last night I was in bed with a girl called Penny.
Is that spooky or what ???

 

Happy Halloween

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True story - just got to admire this Aussie.

Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian. He was recently interviewed on Australian radio. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws, this is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

The ABC radio live interview was between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove, who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop which was visiting his Headquarters.

Lady Interviewer : "So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base ?"
General Cosgrove: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting".
Lady Interviewer : "Shooting !!! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
General Cosgrove: "I don't see why. They will be properly supervised on the rifle range".
Lady Interviewer : "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children ?"
General Cosgrove: "Not at all. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm".
Lady Interviewer : "But you're equipping them to become violent killers".
General Cosgrove: "Well Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not are you".

After 46 seconds of radio silence, the interview was clearly over.

 

A woman is at home alone when she hears a knock at the door. When she opens the door there is a man standing there.
He asks her "do you have a vagina?" and she slams the door in disgust.
The next morning there is another knock at the door, it is the same man and he asks the same question "do you have a vagina?" Again she slams the door in disgust.
Later that night when her husband returns, she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells his wife, "Honey, I'm taking tomorrow off to be at home in case this guy shows up again".
Sure enough, next morning there is a knock and they both run towards the door.
The husband whispers to his wife "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen, and if it is the same guy I want you to answer "yes" to the question because I want to see where he is going with it". She nods to her husband and opens the door.
The same fellow is standing there and again asks "do you have a vagina?"
"Yes, actually, I have" she says.
"Good" said the man, "would you mind telling your husband to leave my wifes' alone and start using yours". :D

 

IF YOUR FROM THE USA THIS IS CALLED HUMOUR If your easily offended about the USA then i suggest maybe u DONT read it . .

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves in a proper fashion, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxf
ord English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you have noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' You shall also be required to reinstate the second 'i' in 'Aluminium'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save The Queen!


PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (with a 'u')!

 

And old newspapers will no longer be thrown in the trash, they will be recycled for fish and chips.:D

 

And trash will be called rubbish

 

... and the trunk will become the boot.
The hood will become the bonnet.
Re-instating the letter U should include changing Mommy to Mummy.
A telephonic communication will become a simple phone call.
A re-locateable compact external catering device will become a barbecue.
And that long handled, broad based, flat edged earth relocation implement will once again be called a shovel :D

 

and the people in the U.S. south will swap their accents for the Liverpool accent.