Where's the humor on here?

"Dad, can I take your float to the swimming pool?"









"Which float, son?"






"The one that’s in your bedroom, Dad."






"I can’t remember having a float son, but no problem. Take whatever you want to the swimming pool and just leave your old dad in peace."






"Great Dad, thanks very much!"

 

Only in This Stupid World
......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the
Store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in This Stupid World
.....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in This Stupid World
.....do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters..

Only in This Stupid World
......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put
Our useless junk in the garage.

Only in This Stupid World ...........do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
Packages of eight..

Only in This Stupid World .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER...

Why the sun lightens
Our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why don't you ever see the
Headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is
'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that
Doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made
With artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who
Invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of
Day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there
Mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah
Swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the
Needle for lethal injections?

You know that
Indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep
Shrink when it rains?

Why are they called
Apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of
Pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?


If flying is so
Safe,why do they call the airport the terminal?​

Spread the Stupidity!​

 

ONE reason why you should wear pajamas in bed. :-)

 

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.

The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water!”
"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5."
"Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but... I must conserve my energy and find water!"
"Okay," said the little old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need... Go In Peace."
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead and gasped...
"They won't let me in without a tie!”

 

After each flight, QANTAS pilots have to fill out a "gripe sheet" to tell mechanics about any problems with the aircraft. The mechanics fix the problem and put comments on the document. These are some of the problems submitted by the pilots. P represents the problem found by the pilot, S is the remedy supplied by the obviously humourous mechanics.

P. Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S. Left inside main tyre almost replaced.

P. Test flight ok, auto-land very rought.
S. Auto-land not fitted on this aircraft.

P. Something loose in cockpit.
S. Something tightened in cockpit.

P. Dead bugs on windscreen.
S. Live bugs on back order.

P. Auto-pilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S. Can't reproduce this problem on the ground.

P. Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S. Evidence removed.

P. DME volume unbelievably loud.
S. DME volume set to more believable level.

P. Friction lock causes throttle lever to stick.
S. That's what friction locks are for.

P. IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S. IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.

P. Suspect crack in windshield.
S. Suspect you're right.

P. Number 3 engine missing.
S. Number 3 engine found on right wing after brief search.

P. Aircraft handles funny.
S. Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P. Target radar hums.
S. Target radar re-programmed with lyrics.

P. Mouse in cockpit.
S. Cat installed in cockpit.

 

From a British perspective: This was a reader's 'letter to the editor ' published in daily " SUN" on Sunday.

Tolerance .. I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in London on the Thames?
I think it should be the goal of every Englishman to be tolerant. Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.
That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque.
We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy", and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called "Iraq o' Ribs."
Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.
Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."
All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved.

If you agree with promoting tolerance and you think this is a good plan, please publish my letter.

 

What kind of Asian are you? - YouTube