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Where's the humor on here?

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff' started by grandpainak, Apr 16, 2007.

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  1. jimeve

    jimeve DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Veteran Army

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    An old man was in hospital, lying in bed he leaned over to the pretty nurse attending to him and whispered in her ear.

    Give us a kiss love.

    No! Replied the nurse.

    Oh go on! Said the man.

    No! Replied the nurse again.

    Please! Begged the man, just a peck on the cheek.

    For the last time NO! Said the nurse.....
    I shouldn't even be wanking you off.....
     
    jimeve, Jul 30, 2013
    #2051
  2. Charlie

    Charlie DI Senior Member Restricted Account Veteran Coast Guard

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    Miss Beatrice,​
    The church organist,​
    Was in her eighties​
    And had never been married. She was admired for her
    sweetness and kindness to all.​
    ​
    One afternoon the pastor​
    came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint ​
    sitting room.​
    She invited him to have a ​
    seat while she prepared tea...​
    As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,the young ​
    minister noticed a cut glass
    bowl Sitting on top of it.​
    The bowl was filled with water,​
    and in the water floated. of all​
    things,a condom!

    When she returned​
    With tea and scones,they ​
    began to chat. The pastor​
    tried to stifle his curiosity​
    About the bowl of water and its
    strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.​
    'Miss Beatrice', he said,​
    'I wonder if you would tell me about this?​
    Pointing to the bowl.​
    'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it
    wonderful? I was walking​
    through the park a few​
    months ago and I found​
    this little package on the
    ground.​
    The directions said​
    To place it on the organ,​
    Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
    Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter. ​
     
    Charlie, Jul 30, 2013
    #2052
  3. Broadside

    Broadside DI Forum Patron

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    A 90-year-old pensioner was slowly making his way home and the route took him through the red light district. He hobbled towards the pedestrian crossing when one of the whores standing in a doorway called "hey old-timer, how about it". The old boy looked at her and said "sorry lady, but I can't manage it anymore". The wh*re was insistent and they eventually made it up to her bedroom. After some initial fumbling they got down to business. The old boy gave her a marathon session, riding her like a cowboy on a bronco, on her back, on top, facing him, back to him, standing up, sitting down and kneeling. He took her to heaven and back five times before he reached his peak and finally let rip. She was laying there gasping for breath and said "wow old timer. That was one hell of a screw. You said you couldn't manage it any more". "Oh I can still manage to screw" said the old boy "but I can't manage to pay for it any more".
     
    Broadside, Jul 30, 2013
    #2053
  4. Charlie

    Charlie DI Senior Member Restricted Account Veteran Coast Guard

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    The Parrot

    A woman went to a pet shop and
    immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
    There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
    [​IMG]

    "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
    The owner looked at her and said,
    "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live
    in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

    The woman thought about this, but decided    she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's
    cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

    The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
    "New house, new madam."

    The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
    but then thought "that's really not so bad."


    When her two teenage daughters returned from school,
    the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

    The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then
    began to laugh about the situationconsidering how and
    where the parrot had been raised.


    Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
    The bird looked at him and said,


    "Hi Keith."
     

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    Charlie, Jul 31, 2013
    #2054
  5. Broadside

    Broadside DI Forum Patron

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    Think about this one. Hans Riegel from Bonn created HaRiBo in 1920. His only business competitor at the time was Valentine Gildermann from Narrenhausen. The poor guy had no chance. :p
     
    Broadside, Aug 2, 2013
    #2055
  6. blueskies

    blueskies DI Forum Adept

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    Anything when shits happened!

    Cheer!
     

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    blueskies, Aug 4, 2013
    #2056
  7. blueskies

    blueskies DI Forum Adept

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    Question and Smart answer...
     

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    blueskies, Aug 4, 2013
    #2057
  8. Knowdafish

    Knowdafish DI Forum Luminary

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    [​IMG]
     
    Knowdafish, Aug 5, 2013
    #2058
  9. Buck Dangler

    Buck Dangler DI Junior Member

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    Who's on the Job?[​IMG]COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.

    ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 7.8%.

    COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

    ABBOTT: No, that's 14.7%.

    COSTELLO: You just said 7.8%.

    ABBOTT: 7.8% unemployed.

    COSTELLO: Right; 7.8% out of work.

    ABBOTT: No, that's 14.7%.

    COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 14.7% unemployed.

    ABBOTT: No, that's 7.8%.

    COSTELLO: Wait a minute. Is it 7.8% or 14.7%?

    ABBOTT: 7.8% are unemployed. 14.7% are out of work.

    COSTELLO: If you are out of work, you are unemployed.

    ABBOTT: No, Congress said you can't count the "Out of Work" as unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.

    COSTELLO: But they are out of work!!!

    ABBOTT: No, you miss his point.

    COSTELLO: What point?

    ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.

    COSTELLO: To whom?

    ABBOTT: The unemployed.

    COSTELLO: But all of them are out of work.

    ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work gave up looking, and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

    COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment rolls, that would count as less unemployment?

    ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

    COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?

    ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how it gets to 7.8%. Otherwise it would be 14.7%.

    COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?

    ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

    COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

    ABBOTT: Correct.

    COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

    ABBOTT: Bingo.

    COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have people stop looking for work.

    ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an economist.

    COSTELLO: I don't even know what the hell I just said!

    ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like Congress.
     
    Buck Dangler, Aug 5, 2013
    #2059
  10. Knowdafish

    Knowdafish DI Forum Luminary

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    [​IMG]
     
    Knowdafish, Aug 6, 2013
    #2060
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