Where's the humor on here?

“ i think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated
lance armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning seven
tour de france races while on drugs.

When i was on drugs, i couldn't even find my bike.”

~willie nelson~

 

wonder what breakfast tasted like?

I was sitting in the kitchen this morning when my wife stormed down in a rage.

She yelled, "What did I tell you about the *#!# toilet seat?"

I said, "To leave it down."

She shouted, "Then why did you leave it up?"

"If I didn't, you would've went back to bed instead of coming down here to yell at me," I replied. "Now get my *#!# breakfast on!"

 

Great Game

After the game between England & Scotland, 10,000 beer cans were left in Trafalgar Square by Scottish fans.

Both of them have been arrested...

 

Study Completed

Study:

25% of U.S. women are on medication for mental illness.

The other 75% are running around untreated.

 

Mis-directed

In the Job Centre today, I interviewed a Filipino guy.

"What kind of work are you looking for?" I asked him.

"I want to join the Police, rise through the ranks and do something about the favortism that corrupts the force." he explained.

"I'll just put 'comedian'."

 

Internet Dating advice

Word of internet advice.. if there are 2 girls in her profile pic, the profile belongs to the ugly/fat one.

 

a big zero

I love the expression "a number of..."
Because it does not mean anything.

A number of Victoria's secrets models
have expressed an interest in sleeping with me.

The number is zero

 

Who works the hardest

Statistics say women think they are smarter than men because they can fake orgasms for the relationship.

Men say, "Big f**king deal, try faking a relationship just for the shag!"

 

Premartial sex?

It isn't premarital sex if you do not intend to get married.

 

time moves on

I realized today that I was old... a much younger, less than attractive woman flirted with me... and it made me feel good... but what happened to the days of hot chicks fighting over me and trying to commit suicide if I didn't call them back in 5 minutes?