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Where's the humor on here?

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff' started by grandpainak, Apr 16, 2007.

  1. Dave & Imp

    Dave & Imp DI Forum Patron Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer

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    Accidents happen

    After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me.

    She said, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

    "Fair enough," I replied, groping her breasts...
     
  2. Dave & Imp

    Dave & Imp DI Forum Patron Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer

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    This afternoon my wife said, "I find these post-it note jokes of yours about my weight problem really distasteful."

    "You're not supposed to eat them love," I replied.
     
  3. Charlie

    Charlie DI Senior Member Restricted Account Veteran Coast Guard

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    A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
    He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
    The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
    The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.
    The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
    Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
    Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.
    Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
    Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
    The robot slaps the father.
    Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
    The robot slaps the mother.

    Robot for sale.
     
  4. Knowdafish

    Knowdafish DI Forum Luminary

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    Siquijor special? :smile:

    [​IMG]
     
  5. Dave & Imp

    Dave & Imp DI Forum Patron Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer

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    Marijuana for all..

    Hello, is this the Police?"
    "Yes. What do you want?"
    "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
    "Thank you very much for the call, sir."
    The next day, the Police descend on Billy’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy and left.
    The phone rings at Billy's house: "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the Police come?"
    "Yeah!"
    "Did they chop your firewood?"
    "Yep."
    "Merry Christmas, Buddy"
     
  6. Manzanita

    Manzanita DI Forum Patron

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    -- ​While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

    A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

    Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

    The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.”

    The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”

    The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”

    The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”

    The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.”

    The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.

    The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”

    The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”

    The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”

    “Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.



    “Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Faw off by itself!”
     
  7. alex

    alex DI Forum Patron Highly Rated Poster

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    were is the humor here

    A guy was walking along the coast when he spots a girl standing close to the edge of a cliff, she told the guy im going to jump, he said ok but how about we make love before you jump she said go away you sick b@st@rd , the guy ok dont get nasty ill will just wait at the bottom,
     
  8. progmeister

    progmeister DI Forum Patron

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    A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
     
  9. progmeister

    progmeister DI Forum Patron

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  10. jimeve

    jimeve DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Veteran Army

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    Blonde & Irish
    >
    >
    > On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were
    > listening to the radio during breakfast.
    > They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow
    > today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so
    > the Snow ploughs can get through.
    > "So the good wife went out and moved her car.
    >
    > A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer
    > said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
    > You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snow
    > ploughs can get through.
    > "The good wife went out and moved her car again.
    >
    > The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
    > says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."
    > Then the electric power went out.
    > The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said,
    > "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so
    > the snow ploughs can get through?"
    > Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
    > married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave
    > the car in the garage this time.?"
    >
    > I didn't see it coming either!
    >
     
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