Where's the humor on here?

New York policeman on horseback sees a little girl on a bike and rides up to her. "Hi" he says" did Santa get you that bike ?"
"Yes he did" she beamed. The cop leaned forward and said "well next year tell him to put a reflector on it" and fined her $5.
The little girl looked up and said "that's a real nice looking horse. Did Santa get it for you too?"
The cop smiled and said "he sure did".
"Well" said the little girl, "next year tell him that the dick goes under the horse not on top of it".

 

Little Billy was in school when the teacher said to him, "Billy, if there were five birds on a wall and I shot one of them how many would be left?" Billy replied "none Miss, coz the other birds would fly away".
She said "the correct answer is four, but I like the way you think".
Billy mused on this for a while and then said "Miss, I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking it, one was sucking it and one was biting it, which one of them was the married one?"
She thought for a while and said nervously "I guess it would be the one who was sucking it".
"Actually" said Billy, "it's the one wearing a wedding ring, but I like the way you think".

 

When i was a boy the circus use to walk from town to town, it was not uncommin to see 10 elephants walking along the road in a line holding trunk to tail.
Once when the circus was crossing the rail line the train hit and killed the last elephant, the circus sued
the train company for the loss of 10 elephants stating when the train hit the last elephants it pull the @ss out of the other 9
cheers

my mum could spell
but i took after my dad

 

These were posted on an Australian tourism website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humor...
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.
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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.Aust-ra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ...Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-ica, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
===================
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
====================
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

:dnr:

 

View attachment 9582 hahahahahahahaha

 

Mosquito quandry

A mosquito landed on my balls......
hardest decision of my life!!!!

 

looking into the future.... well maybe

Sitting in Why Not having drinks with a friend….
I casually pointed to two drunks sitting across the bar and said…”That is us in ten years…”
My friend said “That’s a mirror, Dipshit.” O-|