Where's the humor on here?

Differences..

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

 

Lines from famous hits of our youth, redone for seniors.
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• Splish, splash, I was havin' a flash
• Mrs. Brown, you've got a lovely walker
• I get by with a little help from Depends
• On the commode again

 

The lady teacher in the Sunday school class was always boring and the classroom was hot and stuffy. Susie usually fell asleep. Billy was sitting behind Susie idly sharpening a pencil. The teacher asked "who was our Lord and Saviour. Susie, do you know?" Susie didn't stir, so Billy jabbed her in the butt with his sharp pencil. "Jesus Christ" shouted Susie. "That's correct" said the teacher. Susie drifted back to sleep. A few moments later she asked "Susie, who created the universe ?". A few seconds passed and Billy jabbed her butt once again. Susie jumped and shouted "God almighty". "Very good" said the teacher. Susies' eyes slowly closed once more. The class was coming to an end, and the teacher said "Susie, what did Eve say to Adam after she had had her 22nd child?" Once again Billys pencil came to the rescue, and Susie shouted "if you stick that thing in me one more time, I'm gonna snap it in half and shove it up your @ss".
The teacher is still in shock.

 

Three old men were sitting on the porch at the rest home after dinner. The first one said in a sighful voice, "I sure wish I could take a p*ss before 9 AM everyday". The second one dismissed him as a whiny old fart and exclaimed, "You have nothing to complain about, I can't take a dump before noon!" The third man, laughed at both of them and said, "I have no problem with that. I pee every morning about 7 AM and have a good healthy dump about 8:30. I just wish I could wake up before 10!!!"

 

Jan Thomas - What does the cock say (Ylvis - The Fox Parody) HD - YouTube

 

SATAN


A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?'"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 62 years."

 

Homeless Theatre - Vidiload

 

Some clever puns:

• A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
• Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
• A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
• Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head."
• I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
• A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, "Keep off the Grass."

 

Some clever sayings:War does not determine who is right, only who is left.You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.