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Where's the humor on here?

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff' started by grandpainak, Apr 16, 2007.

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  1. Dave & Imp

    Dave & Imp DI Forum Patron Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer

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    Heaven sent

    ...ALL DEVILS are VIRGINS

    wanna know why??

    because devils are not allowed to have SEX!

    because if they do... they will reach what we called "HEAVEN" : D
     
    Dave & Imp, Oct 25, 2013
    #2121
  2. mokum

    mokum DI Senior Member

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    A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the*
    Third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
    After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their*
    Situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.*
    'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
    'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive*
    more than a day or two..'*
    I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it*
    Out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
    'Anything, Father.'
    I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see*
    Yours.'
    Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'*
    The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight ofther*
    Shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.*
    'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.......she consented and he*
    Fondled them for several minutes.
    Father, could I ask something of you?'
    Yes, Sister?'
    I have never seen a man's appendage. Could I see yours?'
    'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.*
    'Oh Father, may I touch it?'*
    The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was
    Sporting a huge erection.
    Sister, you know that if I insert my appendage in the right place, it can*
    Give Life.'
    Is that true Father?'*
    'Yes, it is, Sister.'
    'Oh Father, that's wonderful ...*
    Stick it in the camel and let's get*
    The hell out of here!'*
     
    mokum, Oct 31, 2013
    #2122
  3. OP
    OP
    grandpainak

    grandpainak DI Forum Patron Showcase Reviewer

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    I heard this is a story about a X-Pat who had been happily married for years. The only friction in his marriage being his habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it because it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts when a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream, and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife.

    “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened...but, by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in……..........”
     
    grandpainak, Nov 1, 2013
    #2123
  4. Knowdafish

    Knowdafish DI Forum Luminary

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    [​IMG]
     
    Knowdafish, Nov 1, 2013
    #2124
  5. Knowdafish

    Knowdafish DI Forum Luminary

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    [​IMG]
     

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    Knowdafish, Nov 10, 2013
    #2125
  6. Charlie

    Charlie DI Senior Member Restricted Account Veteran Coast Guard

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    Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn ' t do something useful with my time.


    Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation.

    She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

    I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

    She said, "Are you nuts? You ' re almost 72 years old and you ' re going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

    I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

    She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

    "I ' m in trouble again, and I don ' t know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her.

    She fainted.

    Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.
     
    Charlie, Nov 13, 2013
    #2126
  7. Charlie

    Charlie DI Senior Member Restricted Account Veteran Coast Guard

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    Sylvia & Wanda

    SYLVIA:
    Hi! Wanda.

    WANDA:
    Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

    SYLVIA:
    I froze to death.

    WANDA:
    How horrible!

    SYLVIA:
    It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from
    the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy,
    and finally died a peaceful death.
    What about you?

    WANDA:
    I died of a massive heart attack.
    I suspected that my husband was cheating,
    so I came home early to catch him in the act.
    But instead, I found him all by himself
    in the den watching TV.

    SYLVIA:
    So, what happened?

    WANDA:
    I was so sure there was another woman
    there somewhere that I started running
    all over the house looking. I ran up into
    the attic and searched, and down into the
    basement. Then I went through every closet
    and checked under all the beds. I kept this up
    until I had looked everywhere, and finally
    I became so exhausted that I just keeled over
    with a heart attack and died.

    SYLVIA:
    Too bad you didn't look in the freezer
    ---we'd both still be alive.
     
    Charlie, Dec 2, 2013
    #2127
  8. Charlie

    Charlie DI Senior Member Restricted Account Veteran Coast Guard

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    First Christmas Joke​

    Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
    'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
    The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
    'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

    The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
    Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
    The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
    St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

    The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

    And So The Christmas Season
    Begins......    ​
     
    Charlie, Dec 5, 2013
    #2128
  9. Broadside

    Broadside DI Forum Patron

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    Broadside, Dec 5, 2013
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  10. Charlie

    Charlie DI Senior Member Restricted Account Veteran Coast Guard

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    "As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

    "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you pay for the first two."

    "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

    The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you?"
    "Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."


    ​
     
    Charlie, Dec 6, 2013
    #2130
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