Where's the humor on here?

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James , a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

 

The mother of a 17 year old girl was concerned that her daughter was having
sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that
teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would
probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter
to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of
condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the
mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to
hug her mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan ! ' O-|

 

Just a weee bit............

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly thereafter he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, " They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice ... Pigeon-toed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

"Well, "the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell cross-eyed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was
The ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the Redneck, "she was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell ......
Pregnant when you met her."

 

Bob, a 70 year old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country club
with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year old blonde-haired
woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm
and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His
friends at the club are all aghast.

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the
trophy girlfriend?'

Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'

They're bowled over, but continue to ask. how'd you persuade her to marry
you?'

'I lied about my age ', Bob replies.

'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

 

A man went to church one day and afterwards
he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.

He said, 'Preacher, that was a
damned fine sermon. Damned good! '

The preacher said,
'Thank you, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No sh*t?'

 

Check first !

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.


'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.


'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.


'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.


'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear. 'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.


'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' She answers.


'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands. She whispers in his ear


'That's me before the surgery.' ...

 

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[TD="width: 100%"]Job at the FBI


The FBI had an opening for an assassin.



After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done,

there were 3 finalists; Two men and a woman.




For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal

door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your

Instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room

you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!'





The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could Never shoot my wife.'





The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.

Take your wife and go home.'





The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun

and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.





The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, But I can't kill my wife.'





The agent said, 'You don't have what it Takes. Take your wife and go home.'




Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill

her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,

one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls..

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there

stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.



'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. ' So I had to kill him with the chair!!!!


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