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Where's the humor on here?

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff' started by grandpainak, Apr 16, 2007.

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  1. tlrtraveler

    tlrtraveler DI Forum Adept

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    On the occasion of my friend's 58th birthday, he got a
    gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a
    visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who
    was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
    dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the
    reservation, handed the ticket to the medicine man, and
    wondered what he was in for.

    The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed
    it to him, and20with a grip on his shoulder, warned,
    'This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You
    take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3. 'When
    you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever
    been in your life and you can perform as long as you
    want.'
    He was encouraged.

    As he walked away, he turned and asked, 'How do I stop
    the medicine from working? ' 'Your partner must say
    1-2-3-4,' he responded. 'But when she does, the
    medicine will not work again until the next full moon. '
    He was eager to see if it worked. He went home, showered,
    shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited
    his wife to join him in the bedroom.

    When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, '
    1-2-3 !' Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
    His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And
    then she asked. 'What was the 1-2-3 for?'


    And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our
    sentences with a preposition.
     
    tlrtraveler, Mar 28, 2014
    #2221
  2. Charlie

    Charlie DI Senior Member Restricted Account Veteran Coast Guard

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    Lost at sea.........

    All is not always a loss.
     

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    Charlie, Mar 28, 2014
    #2222
  3. Charlie

    Charlie DI Senior Member Restricted Account Veteran Coast Guard

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    There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.



    He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in deep despair, he decided to commit suicide.




    He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down when he saw a man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.




    He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with." He thought "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."




    He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.

    He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

    He said, "I'm NOT happy,
    my balls itch."





    Heart-warming stories like this just make me want to cry...
























    ​





    ​
     
    Charlie, Mar 30, 2014
    #2223
  4. Charlie

    Charlie DI Senior Member Restricted Account Veteran Coast Guard

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    The mystery is over.

    Found it. Now you can quit worrying. It's in good hands.
     

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    Charlie, Apr 1, 2014
    #2224
  5. Eaglescout

    Eaglescout DI Junior Member

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    It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

    Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

    The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

    'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.'

    'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun.

    'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'


    'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.

    Sister Magdalene continued, 'And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.'

    'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.

    'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.'

    'That wicked old b******' said the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years !
     
    Eaglescout, Apr 2, 2014
    #2225
  6. Charlie

    Charlie DI Senior Member Restricted Account Veteran Coast Guard

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    Happy endings............


    DIVORCE SETTLEMENT
    On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crate and suitcases.



    On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.



    On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water. When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp dipped in caviar into the hollow center of he curtain rods. He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.



    On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss. Then, slowly, the house began to smell.



    They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.



    Repairmen refused to work in the house, the maid quit. Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house. Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.



    Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and then asked if she would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for him buying the house. Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed to a reduced divorce settlement AND settled on a price for the house that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth.... but only if he would sign the papers that very day. He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

    A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home. And just to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods.



    I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING... DON'T YOU...????



    ​
     
    Charlie, Apr 2, 2014
    #2226
  7. shadow

    shadow DI Forum Luminary

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    Best one I've read in a long time, thanks!



     
    shadow, Apr 2, 2014
    #2227
  8. alex

    alex DI Forum Patron Highly Rated Poster

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    A guy met a lady in a Bankok bar and took her back to his room .
    After the event he was laying back having a smoke she kept playing with his balls when he asked her why? she answered it is because I still miss having mine
     
    alex, Apr 2, 2014
    #2228
  9. tlrtraveler

    tlrtraveler DI Forum Adept

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    A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

    The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

    "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

    "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

    "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank accounts. But.... The decision is all yours."

    Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

    "Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife.

    "That's his mistress," says her husband.

    "Ours is prettier," she replies.
     
    tlrtraveler, Apr 2, 2014
    #2229
  10. Charlie

    Charlie DI Senior Member Restricted Account Veteran Coast Guard

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    A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.

    The baby wouldn't take it, so she said,     "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."

    Five minutes later, the baby was still     not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

    A few minutes later,     the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!
     
    Charlie, Apr 3, 2014
    #2230
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