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Where's the humor on here?

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff' started by grandpainak, Apr 16, 2007.

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  1. ShawnM

    ShawnM Living the dream, Plan B ★ No Ads ★ Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Blood Donor Veteran Air Force

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    Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida.

    At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?"

    So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.

    First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

    Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.

    Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, "$2,700."

    The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

    "Easy," he said $1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Texas."
     
  2. ShawnM

    ShawnM Living the dream, Plan B ★ No Ads ★ Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Blood Donor Veteran Air Force

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    Termination Cause


    Two crew workers were talking about a job, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you?"

    The second guy said, "Well, you know how the foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."
     
  3. oztony

    oztony DI Senior Member Blood Donor

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    THE WAY WOMEN THINK ....

    Husband's Message (by mobile phone):

    Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital. They have been making tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head though very strong, will not have any serious or lasting injury. But, I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate my right foot.

    Wife's Response:

    Who the f### is Paula?
     
  4. ShawnM

    ShawnM Living the dream, Plan B ★ No Ads ★ Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Blood Donor Veteran Air Force

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    OSHA - A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and baloney--usually applied at random with a shotgun.
     
  5. expatron

    expatron DI Forum Patron

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    Funny and true..haa haa but I havn't had a baloney sandwich since I was to young to shoot!!!!!!!!
     
  6. oztony

    oztony DI Senior Member Blood Donor

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    A man and his wife were in a court for their divorce case. The problem
    was who should get custody of the child.

    The wife screamed and jumped up and said: "Your Honour. I brought the
    child into the world with all the pain and labour. The child should be
    in my custody."

    The judge turned to the husband and said: "What do you have to say in
    your defence?"

    The man sat for a while contemplating...then slowly rose. "Your
    Honour...

    If I put a dollar in a Pepsi Vending Machine and a Pepsi comes out...

    Whose Pepsi is it... the machine's or mine?"
     
  7. oztony

    oztony DI Senior Member Blood Donor

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    Two Fleas
    Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation.

    Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's shivering and shaking.
    The other flea asks him "Why are you shaking so badly?"
    The first flea says "rode down here from New Jersey in the mustache of a guy on a Harley."

    The other flea responds saying "That's the worst way to travel. Try what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks.
    While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cozy. It's the best way to travel
    that I can think of."

    The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter.

    A year goes by.....
    When the first flea shows up in Miami he is shivering and shaking again.

    The second flea says "Didn't you try what I told you?" "Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said.

    I went to the New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in.
    I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep.
    When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of a guy on a Harley."
     
  8. ShawnM

    ShawnM Living the dream, Plan B ★ No Ads ★ Highly Rated Poster Showcase Reviewer Blood Donor Veteran Air Force

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    Highway Crew


    One morning a local highway department crew reached their job-site and realized they had forgotten all their shovels.

    The crew's foreman radioed he office and told his supervisor of the situation.

    The supervisor radioed back and said, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels ... just lean on each other until they arrive."
     
  9. Dave_Hounddriver

    Dave_Hounddriver DI Forum Luminary Highly Rated Poster

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    Reminds me of the two man road crew I met one day. Tom was way up ahead, digging holes along the side of the road. A ways later I met Harry coming along and filling them in. I asked Harry what this was all about and he said they were just doing their jobs. The only problem is that Dick was sick today. He's the third member of the team and he puts tree saplings in the holes.
     
  10. expatron

    expatron DI Forum Patron

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    Normal goverment job. 1 works half speed, 4 or 5 other experts sit in the truck complaing how tired they are.:p
     
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