Where's the humor on here?

I had a neighbor in So Cal that was a supervisor for Caltrans. I asked him what he did one day and he said he worked for Caltrans. I asked, "are you the one with the shovel, the one with the broom, or the one watching the guys sweep and dig?" He said "neither, I'm the one in the truck with the engine running, the A/C and the radio on, reading the newspaper while eating donuts and drinking coffee." :D He said he deserved it, as he had put in his time with Caltrans.

 

Smartest Dog


A structural engineer, an architect and a general contractor are all standing around arguing who has the smartest dog.

The architect says "Watch this. CAD, come here!" And his dog takes a pile of dog bones and makes them into a beautiful building.

The engineer then says "Oh yeah? Structure, come!" and his dog knocks down all the bones and reassembles them as a replica of the Golden Gate Bridge.

The general contractor laughs and says, "Big freakin' deal. Backhoe, come!" And with that, the general contractor's dog screws the other two dogs and takes the rest of the day off.

 

These are suppose from actual construction firm employee performance evaluations:
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and started to dig."
2. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
3. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
4. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
5. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
6. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
7. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
8. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
9. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
10. "If you give a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

 

Why Old Men Don't Get Hired.....

Job Interview:

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Old Man : "Honesty!"

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Old Man : "I don't give a f**k what you think."

 

The Handy Man

A man walks into a building site's foreman's office. He says "The sign outside says you need a handyman."

"That's right," says the foreman. "Can you lay bricks?"

"No, I can't do that."

"Can you mix concrete?"

"No, never done that."

"Know any plumbing?"

"Not really."

"Are you an electrician?"

"No."

"Well," says the puzzled foreman. "You can't do much, so what makes you so damned handy then?"

"I only live around the corner."

 

View attachment 10388 The good ol days

 

Supplementary General Conditions


Article 1

The work we want performed is clearly indicated on the attached plans and specifications. The Architect, who has had plenty of college, has spent a lot of time drawing up these plans and specifications, but nobody can think of everything. Once your bid is submitted to the Owner-that's it brother! From then on, anything wanted by the Architect, the Owner, or any of his friends, or anybody else except the Contractor shall be considered as shown, specified, intended, or implied, and shall be provided by the Contractor without any expense to anyone except the Contractor.

Article 2

If the work is done without extra expense to the Contractor, then the work will be taken down and done over again until the extra expense to the Contractor is satisfactory to the Architect.

Article 3

The contract drawings are intended to be correct. If drawn wrong it should be discovered by the Contractor, corrected, and done right at his own expense. It won't cut any ice with the Owner or the Architect if the Contractor points out the mistakes which the Architect has drawn on the plans.

Article 4

The Contractor is not supposed to make fun of the Architect, his plans, or specifications. If he does, then the same consequence shall apply as stated in Article 3 above.

Article 5

Any Contractor walking around the job site with a smile on his face will be subject to a review of his bid.

Article 6

If the Contractor doesn't find all the Architect's mistakes prior to making his bid on this job, or if he doesn't have enough sense to know that the Architect is going to think up a bunch of new stuff that has to be done before the job can be deemed complete, then the Contractor shall provide any such items without extra expense to the Owner or Architect.

Article 7

Any evidence of satisfaction on the part of the Contractor shall be considered as just cause for withholding final payment.

 

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

Truth: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

 

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congrats".
But, none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".
Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.