Where's the humor on here?

OTHER SIMPLE TRUTHS:
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a
Corvette than on a bicycle.

 

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
When you are over sixty who gives a sh*t?

 

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you are over sixty who gives a sh*t............

 

A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors. Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks. When asked he replied miserably, "My wife missed the bus."

 

Beer time soon, so here is another, before I get gagared

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly… and for the same reason.

 

One of the drawbacks of being of mature years is that you tend to forget sometimes where you are. I was talking to a delightful young lady last night, when she said to me "do you prefer legs or breasts?" Without hesitation I replied "seeing as you asked, what I really prefer is a freshly shaved snatch". I've been told never to come back to KFC again.

 

I can sympathize, people always say they want to hear the truth but when you tell the truth they don't want to hear it.

 

Well, I Am off for a snooze, seems the rest of you are out for a Beer or 3 at a Resort somewhere. I had mine at home and as it is Sunday, I will do what an Englishman does, on a Sunday after lunch

 

Handyman Cheatsheet

1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.

2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.

3. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.

4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can...many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.

5. If it's electronic, get a new one...or consult a twelve-year old.

6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning the switch "on"; or just paint over it.

7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.

8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.

9. If something looks level, it is level.

10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

 

Dying with Dignity

I have already informed my family that I will not be able to afford an expensive nursing home which would allow me to die with Dignity.





Therefore, I have moved to the Philippines so that I can spend my final years enjoying life and dying with Dignity!












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Oh, and Dignity says to say Hello!