Where's the humor on here?

Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield

He said...

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.





I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.







My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.







It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.







A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!







A hooker once told me she had a headache.







If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?'
She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'







I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.







My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.







I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.




The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'







My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.







I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.







My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.







My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.







It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.







I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.







I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.







I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.











When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry.
We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."







I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.

I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.







Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."







My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.







I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.







I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up.
What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.







Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room, he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.










One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control.










My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.










THAT'S WHY WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD -- CLEAN HUMOR








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Age old question

The mystery finally solved.

 

Latest blonde joke.........

A plane is on its way to Toronto , when a blonde in
economy class gets up, and moves to the first class
section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy
class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm
going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and
tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a
blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs
in economy, and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to
explain that because she only paid for economy
she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm
going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should
have the police waiting when they land to arrest this
blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll handle
this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and
she says, "oh, I'm sorry." and gets up and goes back to
her seat in economy..
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked
him what he said to make her move without any fuss.


"I told her, "first class isn't going to Toronto"